Remembering.

with one semester left i can't help but look back...
and smile!

so young, so fearful, so stressed...

but with time, we learned to laugh a little...

and then we were seniors...

still stressed, but we learned to play a little...

and in a manner of months, we'll be the real thing.

Thank you all for your love and support of my journey....here's to one final semester!

nothingness

nothingness.

i have given everything and now i sit here.

empty.

there is nothing more that i can do.

there are no more distractions.

i have no reason, no emotion,

no food to take my mind from both.

there is nothing left to clean,

to organize,

to drown in.

i have no words.

i have no tears,

i have run dry.

...and when there is nothing,

i have nothing but to feel.

because even in nothing...

there is something.

wonderings.

(photobucket...by mermaid 01)

i think about him.
even when i don’t want to; especially when i don’t want to
he comes to mind.
sometimes it is the things he used to do that i remember.
sometimes it is all i wish he did…all he didn’t do.
when i talk to other people
when i’m spending time with other men
i think of him and i compare.
i try hard not to compare
but i always do.
i compare and then i mentally scold myself
why am i thinking about him at all?
i think about what could have been
what would have been if we were still together.
i wonder if the cloud would have passed.
or if the storm would have broken my spirit all together.
i wonder if there was a rainbow in a distant land;
a land that i could not see.
or if i would be drowning in a flood of sorrow.
here i am now
i do not consider myself broken
but i am not quite whole.
i’m wondering.
i am wondering and i am comparing
and i am tormented by both.

happenings

Today is an ordinary day. I’ve got chores and homework to fill more time than I have…and I have more to do than I know how to get done. Normally I might consider freezing up and doing nothing but today I’m taking one thing at a time until the day comes to an end. Whatever doesn’t get done isn’t so important that it can’t get done tomorrow. I can breathe…and I do love a breath of fresh air. Things are going fairly well. I love my apartment, the feeling I get when I walk through the door, and surprisingly, I’m getting quite used to being alone.

Last night, for the first time since starting college, I went out with a group of nursing students to celebrate a couple of birthdays. We had a great time and even though there were many things I probably should have been doing, I enjoyed myself. We went to a place called Lucky Strikes, a bowling ally at the Block in Orange and I was safely tucked in bed by 2am…what a rebel! :o) I’ll try to post some pictures later.

I’m going home for the weekend and even though it’ll only be me and the lil’ sis, I am really looking forward to it. I miss home…and after the last several years, I have learned that home is where your family is….it’s were the people are who love you no matter what, who open their arms to you, who are there. I guess its only right to add that they’re also the ones who have the giant, front-load washer and dryer….and I’m hoping, the ones who let you use it even though you’ve moved away and you have your own. ::wink::

Crazy hair and melted plastic cups…

It’s amazing the things you’ll try when no one’s looking. It wasn’t something I would normally do, but how else was I supposed to cook my macaroni ‘n cheese? You didn’t think the melted plastic cups had anything to do with the crazy hair, did you? I don’t have any dishes so I used the only thing that would contain water—a disposable plastic cup. Not an idea I would recommend. Being the educated person I am, I decided to reinforce the first cup with a second one, only to be outwitted. The second cup wrapped tightly around the first, in unprecedented style, as if to mock me while its insides puckered away from the heat and its contents spilled (to my dismay), all over my clean microwave. Oh, I do love being alone…and I did take this opportunity to laugh at myself. Duh.

So, what’s the crazy hair about? Well, I’m officially moving in my new apartment tomorrow and I’m feeling crazy-hairish. This means for me, that I’ll be going to bed with wet hair and wake up surprised. We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

a new game...

It feels kind of strange to be alone for the first time.
It feels kind of quiet…and there are moments, when I wonder about my strength and ability to pull this one off—you know, this alone thing.
Last night was my first night alone…I think the worst is over now.
I hate alone at night.
Alone at night makes me question things I feel confident about in the light of day.
Alone at night makes me organize, and do more homework than is necessary.
Alone accompanies me to the grocery store, when so many have already gone to bed.
Alone has me checking the locks and feeling crazy for checking them again, ten minutes later.
Alone at night makes me want to scream, it makes me want to drown out the increasing volume of my thoughts.
Thankfully alone can’t penetrate my dreams and I when I do fall asleep, I sleep very well. Thankfully I live close to where I need to be and in the morning I can sleep in and embrace alone during the day.

I love alone during the day.
Alone during the day, allows me to get things done, to sing out loud, to hang my towels with precision and know they will still be that way the next time I walk into the bathroom.
Alone means the temperature is always how I like it and food containers are closed tightly.
Alone means me and my way…but it also means making a choice between the need I feel, to have control over my environment and the need I feel to free myself from my obsessive tendencies.

I have control and suddenly it freaks me out. I thrive on organization and efficiency and suddenly I want a little chaos. I like clean hands and want to play in the mud. My clothes all face the same way and I want to throw them on the floor. Everything has a place and a purpose and suddenly none of that matters…and when I consider this, I realize that what I really want is to find peace in the middle. I want to feel that proud feeling I get when every T is crossed but I also want to feel like it’s okay if I miss a few…or choose to look over a few.

Alone is painful, it’s a journey I didn’t ask to take, a road that I am afraid of…but it will not be my defeat. It is refining and empowering and these things, I choose to take from being alone. The more time I spend in this state, the more I realize who I really am and what I am capable of.

Times like these...

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of ignorance in my life. They say ignorance is bliss…I don’t know. I just wish sometimes that I had answers. I wish I knew what to do and how I should respond. For the most part, I am ok…but I have my moments and in those moments my mind is racing and it doesn’t stop…not for anyone. At night, I can’t sleep, so I don’t and then days go by—productive but sleepless—and I wonder if I’ll ever have peace. I wonder if my mind will find its door to freedom, if I’ll ever find comfort in my ability to choose the right. I do fear this world and my role in it.

I want to feel confident, like I am capable, like I believe in the strength that everyone else seems to see in me. I want to feel like I belong, like I’m worth belonging to someone wholly and completely. I want to believe, believe that love is real, that relationships work, that happiness is attainable.

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of grace in my life. I’m tired but hopeful, desperate but placing one foot in front of another. I’m grateful for all the support and when I look in the eyes of those who love me, I see the grace I am looking for; I see how grace has replaced pity and how great amounts of love outweigh any judgment. I don’t understand how my life turned out this way or when it happened. I don’t remember the point when everything changed, when nothing was as it seemed…and I wish sometimes that I would have known.

My future is filled with opportunity but at times I look longingly at my past, at what I thought my past was. I’m trying. I’m working hard to embrace the joy life has brought me, to treasure the moments when I am consumed by what I know to be good.

In times like these, I just wish…

insomniac or just insane?!

four hours of sleep in three days...i'm tired. exhausted is more accurate. so, i'm off to bed.