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Saturday, January 21, 2006

Let's get honest...

Getting Honest

For some reason, all the positive juices that were flowing through me mere days ago, are a bit drained today. It's hard to be all that is good and right and still be real. I need to find balance. I need to find peace within myself. My deep need to control my environment is creating in me an uninhibited and cynical monster. Why can't I just be...in whatever my circumstance? Why do I obsess over the possibility of things always being better? Why do I contemplate the 'if only'... I don't know. I really and truly have no idea. I have everything that should make me happy beyond imagination. I love my family and close friends and know that they love me. I have so much going for me and I am doing at 20, what some people dream about for a lifetime. I have a really good life and am not ungrateful...But still I can't help but feel like something is missing-like there's a big secret someone is keeping from me. I have a hole that at times feels eternally deep and my life has been spent trying to fill it. I'm not unhappy and I don't feel depressed, I just don't get it. I manage my life and precisely cross every 'T' but maybe that's just it...maybe my journey is one of letting go.

3 Comments:

Blogger ♥ joleen ♥ said...

You always amaze me with your well written, brutal honesty. I go through similar times, though I have to admit they're probably quite different. I'm sure everyone, great life or not, have moments when they wonder what it would be like, if. I think it's good that you realize this about yourself and that you're trying to make positive changes in your life. Maybe for you it's about letting go, like you say. Try not to manage every moment of every day. Do something spontaneous. Do something for yourself. Do something you wouldn't normally do. (The chunky book is a good start! ;) ) Just try to have fun. I love you.

10:46 AM  
Blogger aunt kim said...

Aimee, Joleen said exactly what I was thinking...we ALL think about the 'what if's' at some point in our lives, I think it's just a part of growing. I can totally relate with you about the control issues. That my dear is a hereditary thing :) You will learn that it is okay to let the small things go. Maybe not at this point in life but for me it was after having kids. You really need to not be so hard on yourself. Your life is very busy and your challenges are hard. Sometimes I think when we examine our lives as closely as we do we often will find things that need work. Don't look so hard, just live for today (of course planning for tomorrow) and know that there is nothing that can be done about the past. Enjoy what you have, I love you always!!

9:19 AM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i know the feeling.

4:03 PM  

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