Tuesday, May 30, 2006

just give me a minute...

i decided to celebrate the holiday yesterday, by working. i worked on a medical/surgical unit where quite a few adults confirmed my desire to become a pediatric nurse! honestly, sometimes i think adults are pathetic and consumed by things that really don't matter in the long run. it was a challenging day to say the least. one lady threw a fit because i wasn't around to get her a popsicle the second she paged. many of the patients on this unit can't walk on their own and require a lot of assistance with activities of daily living...which apparently isn't as important as someone's need for ice cream. this incident was one among many, but stands out the most. when i got home i was so pooped but since i had some alone time, i decided to take a minute (or 146) for myself. i completed a great workout, showered and treated myself to a movie. i saw the da vinci code, which i really enjoyed, but didn't get home until 12:40!!! husband thinks i'm kind of weird to go to the movies alone but after the day i had, i really enjoyed the moments of solitude.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

I get it now.

Yesterday I prayed that I would have a good day. Today I prayed that the children I helped care for, would survive. Today I prayed that God would extend His mercy and grace onto the lives that have only known cancer.

Yesterday I worked out, in a vain attempt to become thin and “beautiful.” Today my heart hurt for the 200 pound boy, whose mother referred to him as various foods as we rolled him in a blanket to transfer him to a chair. Today I worked out to become strong and healthy, to take care of my body so that I can continue to care for others.

Yesterday I worried about getting my statistics course finished. Today I sat with a seventeen year old boy who worried about finishing high school. Today I reprioritized the important things in life.

Yesterday I looked out my window and wondered if my life would ever mean something more. Today I watched a father stand in his robe looking out the sixth story window—a prisoner, bound by disease and multiple IV lines—wondering if his life would ever be something more. Today I claimed that my life would have meaning and purpose, that my feet would go the distance and that my hands would consciously touch others.

Yesterday I complained.
Today I listened.

Friday, May 26, 2006

my own introduction

It’s been a very long time since I participated in Self-Portrait Tuesday and I missed out on introductions. Nonetheless, when I saw this reflection piece circulating, I wanted to give it a shot. Here it goes…

I am: not defined by a single term or characteristic.

I want: at this particular moment, a java chip frappachino. Or maybe a white chocolate moacha.

I have: some really big decisions to make in the near future.

I wish: I was not bound by the constraints of money or time.

I hate: that I am not always who I want to me, that I don’t always say what my heart wants to say, and (a little less profound) the flab of fat that has collected over the years, under my upper arms. Yuck.

I miss:
certain memories from my childhood, like walking to get snow cones and figuring out what to do with the sandwiches we didn’t want to eat. ::wink::

I hear: myself think all the time and sometimes (especially at night) I wish I could turn myself off.

I wonder: what my life will be like in five, ten, fifteen years.

I am not always: on time. In fact, I often run late. Not too late, just “fashionably late.”

I dance: in the kitchen and sometimes in the car if I’m trying to embarrass someone.

I sing:
Christmas songs all year long…and I don’t know all the words to any one song.

I cry: at certain movies, nearly every episode of Grey’s Anatomy and even touching commercials…it’s quite pathetic, I know.

I make with my hands:
only what I can’t get my sister to do for me.


I write: to reflect, to feel, to escape, and sometimes not at all.

I confuse: things that I shouldn’t, like disease processes and sometimes medications.

I need: a vacation from the responsibilities of adulthood and life in general…and then another one to recover from the first. :o)

I should: be working on statistics…but also, learn to laugh more.

I start: personal journals all the time, but have yet to finish one.

I finish: college in exactly one year. Woot. Woot.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Moving Away

I suppose that now is as good a time as any to start blogging again. I guess you could say that I went through my own funk, which is likely the result of an over abundance of stress. I’ve been working a lot lately and trying to trudge through the statistics course I am taking. It turned out to be a lot harder (and more time consuming) than I anticipated, but I can see light at the end of the dreary tunnel. I am also struggling with very mixed emotions lately and have not quite decided how I feel about my family moving.

This past weekend my parents (and little sisters) moved to the high desert and in a manner of weeks my older sister and her husband are moving to Palm Springs (a short stop on the way to Oregon). I am trying to be optimistic and excited for them but it’s hard because I already feel alone. I know that we will not see each other as often…the convenience of ‘dropping by’ is gone. I’m grieving the physical distance that is between us and I’m grieving the experiences that won’t be mutually shared. At the same time, I am very excited about the next phase in all our lives and I know these moves will not change the relationships we have worked so hard to build.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I'm sorry...I just don't have anything to say right now.

Monday, May 08, 2006

kill or be killed

I’m sitting here utterly exhausted but satisfied with the work I have done in the past 48 hours. I am tired. I was tired when I got home but still had a thirty minute workout between me and the blessed hour that my head would fall weight-bound onto the lumpy yet inviting pillow that I call my own. I hope for a night of peaceful sleep. I’d like to think this is the least I deserve but I decide to conserve my energy.

Tomorrow I will wake to a whining dog in the wee hours of the morning, created by my own laziness when I refused to clean another litter box. God I pray my child never wants a cat. I will once again embark on my endeavor to change the composition (or rather the shape) of my being because my body demands it of me and because I like the illusion of control that I have when I decide how many bicep curls to do.

I’ll spend a lengthy hour getting ready, meander through three piles of laundry, and maybe pay a couple of bills—all the while, looking with resentment at the new statistics book that occupies the once coveted space that is my desk. I am resolved to attack this course like a lion, selfishly thrashing away and devouring my prey. Eat or be eaten, kill or be killed…or more realistically, finish the course with a decent grade, or tack another $28,000.00 in tuition for a fifth year at APU. The latter has the voice of my parents hauntingly chanting “kill or be killed” in the temporal lobe of my brain. I want to be done before Stateline, before June, but the clock is ticking and I am sixteen lessons from the finish line. Sixteen lessons means that I haven’t cracked the book and even though I am willing every ounce of my body to have discipline, the majority of me wants to disappear into The Time Traveler’s Wife. For those of you who have read this best-selling masterpiece, by first time novelist, Audrey Niffenegger, you have to agree with me that a statistics course over the summer, just doesn’t measure up. Nonetheless, I fear the likeliness of my lion/death analogy if I don’t get started.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

oh, bless my soul

YEA!!!! I'm done, I'm done. I can now officially say that I am a senior in college!!! For all of you who have supported me through three of the most challenging years of my life, thank you....and a very special thank you to my mom and family who sent me these beautiful flowers to bless my soul and put a smile on my face. Aren't they splendid!?!

So...this means that I'm back. While I am on my way to bed for the night (and working all day tomorrow) I definitely plan to read all the posts I missed and get caught up myself. I hope you are all having a beautiful and restful week.