too much chicken -->

Friday, June 23, 2006

Long Days and Little Tragedies (part II)

In light of recent events, I’ve been thinking about death; specifically, my own. There has always been something about death that really bothers me--that scares the hell out of me. Perhaps it’s the finality of it. There is something about its permanence that causes me to shiver. I comfort myself with thoughts of Heaven-- what I know from my childhood as life after death, a glorious life without pain or suffering. Still, I find little solace in this truth because my human self can not comprehend the supernatural. I want to believe. I know I believe but I can’t grasp an immutable eternity of ecstasy. The closest I can get, is the idea of living endlessly and the thought of perpetual life, in this human state, seems more to me like damnation. Don’t get me wrong, I want to live a long, healthy, happy, productive life but I don’t want to do it forever and ever and ever. I guess if I think about it, I shouldn’t be scared of dying. (I know this is morbid but denying ‘its’ existence and the way it presses on my mind, doesn’t make it go away). I shouldn’t be scared because it is likely to come like a thief in the night and I’m pretty sure I won’t realize it has passed over me. Despite my feelings regarding my own death, I am more afraid of losing my family and friends. As each mother, husband, sister, and nana passes away around me, I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before I lose someone I love and pieces of myself. And even as I wonder these things, I banish the thoughts as if their consideration facilitates a knock on death’s door.

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