too much chicken -->

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Not Together, Not Quite Alone

Time passes in a blur and I realize that we have not seen each other in days. I see you of course but our conversation is limited to, “when will you be home and what are you doing at such and such time?” We’re not together. We haven’t been together for some time now…but I’m not quite alone and can’t function as an independent. This leaves me in limbo, feeling torn between my desire to be at your side and my desire to push you away completely. Too many nights I fall asleep, with only the dog at my side, and too many mornings I wake up alone. Where are you? Where am I?

I want to miss you but I also want to make you hurt—make you feel the way I do when I know you’re having a good time and I’m left behind. I want to be in your arms, to be held like I am the only thing that matters, but I also want to make you feel neglect—make you feel like the only way to love and security is to ask, no beg, for a moment of my time. I want to talk with you, to look into your eyes, to connect, but I also want to make you feel alienated—make you feel like you bitch about insignificant things and what you have to say isn’t worth my full attention.

We’re not together but I’m not quite alone…and I don’t know which is worst.


Blogger aunt kim said...

wow...I commend you on your honesty...your words written have many times over been my thoughts. I am proud of you for opening your heart to us here in this blogging world. Hopefully it can makes lifes challenges seem a bit more normal (if there is such a thing!)

Love ya!!!!

9:02 AM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

this ripped my heart out!

2:24 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

ooooh I have felt these feelings-great that you wrote them out-

Cyber hug to you

7:21 PM  
Blogger ♥ joleen ♥ said...

exactly what michelle said.. i'm actually a bit surprised/impressed you had the courage to share this with people and appreciate your honesty. i'm very proud of you.

11:04 PM  
Blogger Simply Me said...

Well where do I start. I have just returned from my turn to fly to Oregon to see my husband. As you know Papa and I have been "commuting" from Atlanta to Oregon since September 26, 2004 and in two months we will have been apart for two years. I must laugh through my tears at the lonliness I feel as well as the independence I have acquired at having to live life temporarily alone. Even my daughter asked me if we were separated. I know we didn't get married to live separate lives. Hang in there sweetie and keep your chin up. You are only living a temporary existence anyway, so enjoy your time alone because the alone time will make the together time more appreciated.

12:26 PM  

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