Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I'm in the middle of moving but I'll be back soon. Have a wonderful week and happy blogging.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Dear Aimee

I hope this letter finds you doing well…blah, blah, blah… Look, here’s the deal. I’ve been meaning to tell you some things but I’m the voice that rarely speaks loud enough for you to hear. You’re a pretty smart girl and you’ve been given a lot of good advice lately. Weed through it, choose what you think might work for you and give it shot. Nobody gives advice with the intention to hurt you so you don’t have much to lose. Go for it…look in the mirror and make a decision. Purge from your life, the materialistic things you don’t need, find creative ways to express kindness and love to others and be patient with your existence. Love yourself and learn from this moment. Slow down and allow your thoughts to connect, your being to feel, and the joy within to burst from its present cage. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be too prideful to accept it. You don’t have all the answers and that’s okay. Only after you understand what it means to love yourself, can you set expectations for others. This is not the end. In fact, no matter how small your steps are right now, let me remind you that they’re in the right direction…and even if you have to crawl for a while, the mere fact that you are moving is just as much an accomplishment as a full-on run.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Calling positive reinforcements

I don’t really know what to say even though there are a thousand and two thoughts floating freely through my mind…so, I am going to try something here. I am going to just type and think and write and see what comes. I am tired of sounding so depressing but I can’t shake the frustration that is my life right now. I feel sort of bad because I was looking back through some old posts, that were actually kind of funny and entertaining and now all I seem to muster, is negativity. I want to tell you of happy things and pleasantries but I struggle to think of any without sounding like I’m trying way too hard. I don’t think any of my readers are younger than I am, so I have to assume (actually, I hope) that you have been there—where I am now. I’m not really sure where to go from here and I’m scared to make any more decisions because I seem to have a knack for making bad ones. Nevertheless, I cannot sit and wallow forever. For one thing, I don’t have time for that and it’s really not in my nature anyway. I’m a planning type of person and must move forward. I will create a positive environment, if I have to will it to me. In fact, I think I will take this moment to concentrate on the wonderful elements of my life. Here are some:

I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are people who love and support me, no matter where I am or what my life looks like. Thank you!

I have an amazing family.

I have recently reconnected with some ‘forever’ friends.

I have two semesters left before I graduate and become a licensed nurse. (That’s 10 months…or even better, six classes!)

I am healthy; there is a roof over my head, and food in my stomach.

I have hope for what my future holds.

It may sound cheesy, but after thinking about and listing merely six blessings, I’m feeling better already. My hope is that, as the day continues, the list grows—for me and for you.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dear Sweet Blogging World

Refusing to panic or crumble beneath the weight of life, I have blogged through many emotions this past month. I have done a lot of reflecting and soul searching, and while I am far from mastering the art of living fully, I am learning to love myself and allow others to love me in a vulnerable state. I am living among better days and am convinced that your blogs (and responses to mine) have enriched my being. Thank you for your gift of time, your caring attitude toward a stranger, and your encouragement. I am grateful for you, members of the sweet blogging world.

On another note, I am leaving town tomorrow to celebrate my second anniversary with my husband. Yea!...this weekend is much needed. See you Sunday! :)

Monday, July 10, 2006

Feeling What?

Nobody condemns and not a single person has cast judgment in my direction. Everybody wants to help and yet I feel…what? What is it that I am feeling? What is this emotion that is so foreign to me, I can not name it? Can it be possible that I feel anxious while at peace? Undeserving while appreciatively accepting? Can I be found the moment I am lost? Were I to list the emotions limited to my vocabulary, I fear I should fall short of labeling the one I feel now.

Perhaps it is humility—productive shame, power brought under control. Or gratitude toward those I love. Toward those who love me, those who lift me up when I feel too small to move. Maybe it is defeat—powerlessness to control my circumstance, to control others. I’ve considered desire, fear, hope, doubt, passion, survival. No. These words do not satisfy my hunger. They do not answer my questions. They do nothing for me. What I feel is a stranger to my life. It does not take from me but I do not know of its willingness to give.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Last Year's Crop

“It’s but little good you’ll do a-watering the last year’s crop.” While I’m not totally sure what George Eliot meant by this, my interpretation deems it an appropriate quote in light of my current situation. Lately I have spent countless hours gleaning and analyzing decisions of my past and I’ve come to realize two things. The first is that I spend way too much time contemplating what cannot be changed and in the process of my excessive analysis, I am missing the current joys that life has to offer. Secondly, if I spend my entire life looking backwards while simultaneously attempting to move forward, it is very likely to lead to a psychological breakdown…or at least a head-on collision. So, in an effort to preserve myself from needless tasks, I am redirecting my focus. I have wiped the tears from my eyes and am moving away from my self-indulgent state of defeat. I have to think of this time in my life, and the sacrifices that will be made over the next year or two, as foundations upon which my dreams will be built. I can’t think about the ‘if only’ anymore.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Dear Lori

It seems like it was yesterday when I met you, sunbathing in the corner of your hospital room, with music playing in the background and a book in your hand. It seems like yesterday when you had your transplant and were up walking the halls with your girlfriends; only yesterday that you gave me a bracelet reminding me to expect miracles. It seems like yesterday when you were using your sarcasm to make the world laugh and pulling pranks on anyone who would let you get by with it…and it just doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t seem right that you would be robbed of tomorrow. It doesn’t seem right that such an amazing woman would be taken at such a young age, with so much life left to live. It doesn’t make sense—not to me and definitely not to your family and friends. But maybe what isn’t fair, are all the people who feel so left behind, who feel lost without your presence, who somehow feel responsible for giving you false hope. How could anyone have known that the end was so near, that your card would be drawn and that God would call another one of his children home? One thing is certain, you were loved…and you taught others how to love and how to live. Although I knew you for such a short amount of time, you touched and blessed my life. You left your mark and gave me a gift to pass on to others. Please know that I will…and thank you.