Feeling What?

Nobody condemns and not a single person has cast judgment in my direction. Everybody wants to help and yet I feel…what? What is it that I am feeling? What is this emotion that is so foreign to me, I can not name it? Can it be possible that I feel anxious while at peace? Undeserving while appreciatively accepting? Can I be found the moment I am lost? Were I to list the emotions limited to my vocabulary, I fear I should fall short of labeling the one I feel now.

Perhaps it is humility—productive shame, power brought under control. Or gratitude toward those I love. Toward those who love me, those who lift me up when I feel too small to move. Maybe it is defeat—powerlessness to control my circumstance, to control others. I’ve considered desire, fear, hope, doubt, passion, survival. No. These words do not satisfy my hunger. They do not answer my questions. They do nothing for me. What I feel is a stranger to my life. It does not take from me but I do not know of its willingness to give.