Friday, October 13, 2006

Times like these...

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of ignorance in my life. They say ignorance is bliss…I don’t know. I just wish sometimes that I had answers. I wish I knew what to do and how I should respond. For the most part, I am ok…but I have my moments and in those moments my mind is racing and it doesn’t stop…not for anyone. At night, I can’t sleep, so I don’t and then days go by—productive but sleepless—and I wonder if I’ll ever have peace. I wonder if my mind will find its door to freedom, if I’ll ever find comfort in my ability to choose the right. I do fear this world and my role in it.

I want to feel confident, like I am capable, like I believe in the strength that everyone else seems to see in me. I want to feel like I belong, like I’m worth belonging to someone wholly and completely. I want to believe, believe that love is real, that relationships work, that happiness is attainable.

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of grace in my life. I’m tired but hopeful, desperate but placing one foot in front of another. I’m grateful for all the support and when I look in the eyes of those who love me, I see the grace I am looking for; I see how grace has replaced pity and how great amounts of love outweigh any judgment. I don’t understand how my life turned out this way or when it happened. I don’t remember the point when everything changed, when nothing was as it seemed…and I wish sometimes that I would have known.

My future is filled with opportunity but at times I look longingly at my past, at what I thought my past was. I’m trying. I’m working hard to embrace the joy life has brought me, to treasure the moments when I am consumed by what I know to be good.

In times like these, I just wish…

insomniac or just insane?!

four hours of sleep in three days...i'm tired. exhausted is more accurate. so, i'm off to bed.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

if my life had a theme song....

The Wreckers “Cigarettes”

Got my headlights shining
Down an old dirt road
Smoke my cigarettes
I should quit I know

The radio’s playing
Old country songs
Someone’s leaving
Someone’s cheating
On and on

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

‘Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won’t have to prove
‘Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I’ll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

See I left another
Good man tonight
I wonder if he’ll miss me
Lord knows I tried

But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too long

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

I ain’t gonna sleep
I don’t wanna dream
About the things that I used to need
I ain’t gonna cry
Or go on living lies
I’m just gonna drive

‘Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won’t have to prove
‘Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I’ll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

Monday, October 09, 2006

This is who I am...

This is who I am…

A little obsessive compulsive…which I like to label as ‘organized.’
A little controlling…which I like to think is thoughtful.
A little paralyzed by fear, that I may never be loved or belong completely to another.
A little self-conscious when it comes to my body, or my abilities…sometimes even my dreams.

This is who I am when no one’s looking.

I laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, make light of situations that are serious, and hide behind my smile….oh, but when I’m alone…

I’m a little lost in myself.
I appreciate my drive, my ability to pick up the pieces and move on, my love for life.
When no one’s looking I dance a little more, sing a little louder, and love without holding back.

Yes, this is who I am.