too much chicken -->

Friday, October 13, 2006

Times like these...

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of ignorance in my life. They say ignorance is bliss…I don’t know. I just wish sometimes that I had answers. I wish I knew what to do and how I should respond. For the most part, I am ok…but I have my moments and in those moments my mind is racing and it doesn’t stop…not for anyone. At night, I can’t sleep, so I don’t and then days go by—productive but sleepless—and I wonder if I’ll ever have peace. I wonder if my mind will find its door to freedom, if I’ll ever find comfort in my ability to choose the right. I do fear this world and my role in it.

I want to feel confident, like I am capable, like I believe in the strength that everyone else seems to see in me. I want to feel like I belong, like I’m worth belonging to someone wholly and completely. I want to believe, believe that love is real, that relationships work, that happiness is attainable.

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of grace in my life. I’m tired but hopeful, desperate but placing one foot in front of another. I’m grateful for all the support and when I look in the eyes of those who love me, I see the grace I am looking for; I see how grace has replaced pity and how great amounts of love outweigh any judgment. I don’t understand how my life turned out this way or when it happened. I don’t remember the point when everything changed, when nothing was as it seemed…and I wish sometimes that I would have known.

My future is filled with opportunity but at times I look longingly at my past, at what I thought my past was. I’m trying. I’m working hard to embrace the joy life has brought me, to treasure the moments when I am consumed by what I know to be good.

In times like these, I just wish…

3 Comments:

Blogger la vie en rose said...

reading you words i could hear my own voice...

shortly after my divorce i felt so many of these things...i never thought i'd get to the other side...hell, i didn't even think there was another side...i just knew i hurt, i felt broken, crushed, shattered...people kept talking about the future but i couldn't see, couldn't feel, past the present...

but it did finally happen....in bits and pieces...and with a lot of love...from others and giving it to myself...

11:25 AM  
Blogger my pink sky said...

keep wishing, sweet one...sometimes this is all we have to keep moving forward...and that more is o.k.

7:26 AM  
Blogger Jecca said...

I stumbled upon your blog today and this entry is so beautiful that i had to stop and write to you. You are not alone. It's almost as though you read my mind. I just had a recent conversation with a friend saying that i sometimes wished i was one of those women who just didn't know any better and never thought about it all. She looked at me like I was crazy. But now I know that someone out there understands. Thank you. ANd keep believing...

12:14 PM  

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