too much chicken -->

Thursday, November 09, 2006

a new game...

It feels kind of strange to be alone for the first time.
It feels kind of quiet…and there are moments, when I wonder about my strength and ability to pull this one off—you know, this alone thing.
Last night was my first night alone…I think the worst is over now.
I hate alone at night.
Alone at night makes me question things I feel confident about in the light of day.
Alone at night makes me organize, and do more homework than is necessary.
Alone accompanies me to the grocery store, when so many have already gone to bed.
Alone has me checking the locks and feeling crazy for checking them again, ten minutes later.
Alone at night makes me want to scream, it makes me want to drown out the increasing volume of my thoughts.
Thankfully alone can’t penetrate my dreams and I when I do fall asleep, I sleep very well. Thankfully I live close to where I need to be and in the morning I can sleep in and embrace alone during the day.

I love alone during the day.
Alone during the day, allows me to get things done, to sing out loud, to hang my towels with precision and know they will still be that way the next time I walk into the bathroom.
Alone means the temperature is always how I like it and food containers are closed tightly.
Alone means me and my way…but it also means making a choice between the need I feel, to have control over my environment and the need I feel to free myself from my obsessive tendencies.

I have control and suddenly it freaks me out. I thrive on organization and efficiency and suddenly I want a little chaos. I like clean hands and want to play in the mud. My clothes all face the same way and I want to throw them on the floor. Everything has a place and a purpose and suddenly none of that matters…and when I consider this, I realize that what I really want is to find peace in the middle. I want to feel that proud feeling I get when every T is crossed but I also want to feel like it’s okay if I miss a few…or choose to look over a few.

Alone is painful, it’s a journey I didn’t ask to take, a road that I am afraid of…but it will not be my defeat. It is refining and empowering and these things, I choose to take from being alone. The more time I spend in this state, the more I realize who I really am and what I am capable of.

4 Comments:

Blogger ♥ joleen ♥ said...

and it will only get better. you'll find that middle ground. i hope and pray that you find peace and enjoyment in your independence. be the strong woman you are. i love you.

9:25 AM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

wishing you light in the darkness, peace in the aloneness, and truth in all the emotions...

11:28 AM  
Blogger Joleen's Mom said...

You can do this! How exciting it must be to have the ability to mold your future. Scary too. We're with you! It's okay to leave your messes. Trust me....they'll still be there when you're ready to deal with them. Learning to do this is slightly liberating. It took me years to realize this. I was raised to make sure everything was done before play. There's nothing wrong with this concept. As a young Mom, the work was never done, so I missed out on much play. I remember the joy I felt while learning to play with you girls and worry about the mess later. Live life, Aimee....don't obsess over it. Take time to smell those flowers...they'll enrich your life. Learn from my mistakes....don't miss it all. It's just housework. Learn to say "no". Your friends will still love you. Live your life and enjoy it! You're only young once. Hugs.....

12:15 PM  
Blogger aunt kim said...

I know in my heart that you will find that middle ground you are looking for. Try not to think about it too much and really listen to your mom's words. It is so very important to slow down and most of all leave yourself a few messes from time to time. Just think it won't be long before perfection is expected! Looking for chaos? Come on over, after a few hours you will be ready to go back home :)

2:07 PM  

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