too much chicken

Remembering.

2006-12-14T04:58:00.000-08:00

with one semester left i can't help but look back...
and smile!

so young, so fearful, so stressed...

but with time, we learned to laugh a little...

and then we were seniors...

still stressed, but we learned to play a little...

and in a manner of months, we'll be the real thing.

Thank you all for your love and support of my journey....here's to one final semester!

nothingness

2006-12-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

nothingness.

i have given everything and now i sit here.

empty.

there is nothing more that i can do.

there are no more distractions.

i have no reason, no emotion,

no food to take my mind from both.

there is nothing left to clean,

to organize,

to drown in.

i have no words.

i have no tears,

i have run dry.

...and when there is nothing,

i have nothing but to feel.

because even in nothing...

there is something.

wonderings.

2006-12-12T02:44:00.000-08:00

(photobucket...by mermaid 01)

i think about him.
even when i don’t want to; especially when i don’t want to
he comes to mind.
sometimes it is the things he used to do that i remember.
sometimes it is all i wish he did…all he didn’t do.
when i talk to other people
when i’m spending time with other men
i think of him and i compare.
i try hard not to compare
but i always do.
i compare and then i mentally scold myself
why am i thinking about him at all?
i think about what could have been
what would have been if we were still together.
i wonder if the cloud would have passed.
or if the storm would have broken my spirit all together.
i wonder if there was a rainbow in a distant land;
a land that i could not see.
or if i would be drowning in a flood of sorrow.
here i am now
i do not consider myself broken
but i am not quite whole.
i’m wondering.
i am wondering and i am comparing
and i am tormented by both.

happenings

2006-11-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

Today is an ordinary day. I’ve got chores and homework to fill more time than I have…and I have more to do than I know how to get done. Normally I might consider freezing up and doing nothing but today I’m taking one thing at a time until the day comes to an end. Whatever doesn’t get done isn’t so important that it can’t get done tomorrow. I can breathe…and I do love a breath of fresh air. Things are going fairly well. I love my apartment, the feeling I get when I walk through the door, and surprisingly, I’m getting quite used to being alone.

Last night, for the first time since starting college, I went out with a group of nursing students to celebrate a couple of birthdays. We had a great time and even though there were many things I probably should have been doing, I enjoyed myself. We went to a place called Lucky Strikes, a bowling ally at the Block in Orange and I was safely tucked in bed by 2am…what a rebel! :o) I’ll try to post some pictures later.

I’m going home for the weekend and even though it’ll only be me and the lil’ sis, I am really looking forward to it. I miss home…and after the last several years, I have learned that home is where your family is….it’s were the people are who love you no matter what, who open their arms to you, who are there. I guess its only right to add that they’re also the ones who have the giant, front-load washer and dryer….and I’m hoping, the ones who let you use it even though you’ve moved away and you have your own. ::wink::

Crazy hair and melted plastic cups…

2006-11-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing the things you’ll try when no one’s looking. It wasn’t something I would normally do, but how else was I supposed to cook my macaroni ‘n cheese? You didn’t think the melted plastic cups had anything to do with the crazy hair, did you? I don’t have any dishes so I used the only thing that would contain water—a disposable plastic cup. Not an idea I would recommend. Being the educated person I am, I decided to reinforce the first cup with a second one, only to be outwitted. The second cup wrapped tightly around the first, in unprecedented style, as if to mock me while its insides puckered away from the heat and its contents spilled (to my dismay), all over my clean microwave. Oh, I do love being alone…and I did take this opportunity to laugh at myself. Duh.

So, what’s the crazy hair about? Well, I’m officially moving in my new apartment tomorrow and I’m feeling crazy-hairish. This means for me, that I’ll be going to bed with wet hair and wake up surprised. We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

a new game...

2006-11-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

It feels kind of strange to be alone for the first time.
It feels kind of quiet…and there are moments, when I wonder about my strength and ability to pull this one off—you know, this alone thing.
Last night was my first night alone…I think the worst is over now.
I hate alone at night.
Alone at night makes me question things I feel confident about in the light of day.
Alone at night makes me organize, and do more homework than is necessary.
Alone accompanies me to the grocery store, when so many have already gone to bed.
Alone has me checking the locks and feeling crazy for checking them again, ten minutes later.
Alone at night makes me want to scream, it makes me want to drown out the increasing volume of my thoughts.
Thankfully alone can’t penetrate my dreams and I when I do fall asleep, I sleep very well. Thankfully I live close to where I need to be and in the morning I can sleep in and embrace alone during the day.

I love alone during the day.
Alone during the day, allows me to get things done, to sing out loud, to hang my towels with precision and know they will still be that way the next time I walk into the bathroom.
Alone means the temperature is always how I like it and food containers are closed tightly.
Alone means me and my way…but it also means making a choice between the need I feel, to have control over my environment and the need I feel to free myself from my obsessive tendencies.

I have control and suddenly it freaks me out. I thrive on organization and efficiency and suddenly I want a little chaos. I like clean hands and want to play in the mud. My clothes all face the same way and I want to throw them on the floor. Everything has a place and a purpose and suddenly none of that matters…and when I consider this, I realize that what I really want is to find peace in the middle. I want to feel that proud feeling I get when every T is crossed but I also want to feel like it’s okay if I miss a few…or choose to look over a few.

Alone is painful, it’s a journey I didn’t ask to take, a road that I am afraid of…but it will not be my defeat. It is refining and empowering and these things, I choose to take from being alone. The more time I spend in this state, the more I realize who I really am and what I am capable of.

Times like these...

2006-10-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of ignorance in my life. They say ignorance is bliss…I don’t know. I just wish sometimes that I had answers. I wish I knew what to do and how I should respond. For the most part, I am ok…but I have my moments and in those moments my mind is racing and it doesn’t stop…not for anyone. At night, I can’t sleep, so I don’t and then days go by—productive but sleepless—and I wonder if I’ll ever have peace. I wonder if my mind will find its door to freedom, if I’ll ever find comfort in my ability to choose the right. I do fear this world and my role in it.

I want to feel confident, like I am capable, like I believe in the strength that everyone else seems to see in me. I want to feel like I belong, like I’m worth belonging to someone wholly and completely. I want to believe, believe that love is real, that relationships work, that happiness is attainable.

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of grace in my life. I’m tired but hopeful, desperate but placing one foot in front of another. I’m grateful for all the support and when I look in the eyes of those who love me, I see the grace I am looking for; I see how grace has replaced pity and how great amounts of love outweigh any judgment. I don’t understand how my life turned out this way or when it happened. I don’t remember the point when everything changed, when nothing was as it seemed…and I wish sometimes that I would have known.

My future is filled with opportunity but at times I look longingly at my past, at what I thought my past was. I’m trying. I’m working hard to embrace the joy life has brought me, to treasure the moments when I am consumed by what I know to be good.

In times like these, I just wish…

insomniac or just insane?!

2006-10-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

four hours of sleep in three days...i'm tired. exhausted is more accurate. so, i'm off to bed.

if my life had a theme song....

2006-10-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

The Wreckers “Cigarettes”

Got my headlights shining
Down an old dirt road
Smoke my cigarettes
I should quit I know

The radio’s playing
Old country songs
Someone’s leaving
Someone’s cheating
On and on

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

‘Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won’t have to prove
‘Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I’ll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

See I left another
Good man tonight
I wonder if he’ll miss me
Lord knows I tried

But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too long

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

I ain’t gonna sleep
I don’t wanna dream
About the things that I used to need
I ain’t gonna cry
Or go on living lies
I’m just gonna drive

‘Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won’t have to prove
‘Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I’ll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

This is who I am...

2006-10-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

This is who I am…

A little obsessive compulsive…which I like to label as ‘organized.’
A little controlling…which I like to think is thoughtful.
A little paralyzed by fear, that I may never be loved or belong completely to another.
A little self-conscious when it comes to my body, or my abilities…sometimes even my dreams.

This is who I am when no one’s looking.

I laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, make light of situations that are serious, and hide behind my smile….oh, but when I’m alone…

I’m a little lost in myself.
I appreciate my drive, my ability to pick up the pieces and move on, my love for life.
When no one’s looking I dance a little more, sing a little louder, and love without holding back.

Yes, this is who I am.

I remember...

2006-08-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

I used to do a lot of things. I knew myself pretty well and I liked who I was; who I was becoming. These days, as hard as I try, I can hardly recognize the girl that keeps looking back at me from her spot in the mirror. I wonder where she sent the real me and I wonder where she came from? How has she managed to last so long and how much longer is she planning to stay? I wonder if other people see her when they look at me? I didn’t recognize her at first; I looked without a second thought, without looking twice. Now I see her…her body is the same and even her smile but oh, those eyes are hers and when I look into them I see someone who is not me. I miss my eyes…I miss the joy that was their occupant. I miss the compassion they conveyed to others. I miss the portal to my heart…when it was soft and vulnerable. I remember the power my eyes held, to see into the souls of others, to feel what other people feel, and to love regardless of what they saw. I remember my eyes…maybe if I look at hers (that girl in the mirror) she will remember them too.

2006-07-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of moving but I'll be back soon. Have a wonderful week and happy blogging.

2006-07-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Aimee

I hope this letter finds you doing well…blah, blah, blah… Look, here’s the deal. I’ve been meaning to tell you some things but I’m the voice that rarely speaks loud enough for you to hear. You’re a pretty smart girl and you’ve been given a lot of good advice lately. Weed through it, choose what you think might work for you and give it shot. Nobody gives advice with the intention to hurt you so you don’t have much to lose. Go for it…look in the mirror and make a decision. Purge from your life, the materialistic things you don’t need, find creative ways to express kindness and love to others and be patient with your existence. Love yourself and learn from this moment. Slow down and allow your thoughts to connect, your being to feel, and the joy within to burst from its present cage. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be too prideful to accept it. You don’t have all the answers and that’s okay. Only after you understand what it means to love yourself, can you set expectations for others. This is not the end. In fact, no matter how small your steps are right now, let me remind you that they’re in the right direction…and even if you have to crawl for a while, the mere fact that you are moving is just as much an accomplishment as a full-on run.

Calling positive reinforcements

2006-07-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

I don’t really know what to say even though there are a thousand and two thoughts floating freely through my mind…so, I am going to try something here. I am going to just type and think and write and see what comes. I am tired of sounding so depressing but I can’t shake the frustration that is my life right now. I feel sort of bad because I was looking back through some old posts, that were actually kind of funny and entertaining and now all I seem to muster, is negativity. I want to tell you of happy things and pleasantries but I struggle to think of any without sounding like I’m trying way too hard. I don’t think any of my readers are younger than I am, so I have to assume (actually, I hope) that you have been there—where I am now. I’m not really sure where to go from here and I’m scared to make any more decisions because I seem to have a knack for making bad ones. Nevertheless, I cannot sit and wallow forever. For one thing, I don’t have time for that and it’s really not in my nature anyway. I’m a planning type of person and must move forward. I will create a positive environment, if I have to will it to me. In fact, I think I will take this moment to concentrate on the wonderful elements of my life. Here are some:

I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are people who love and support me, no matter where I am or what my life looks like. Thank you!

I have an amazing family.

I have recently reconnected with some ‘forever’ friends.

I have two semesters left before I graduate and become a licensed nurse. (That’s 10 months…or even better, six classes!)

I am healthy; there is a roof over my head, and food in my stomach.

I have hope for what my future holds.

It may sound cheesy, but after thinking about and listing merely six blessings, I’m feeling better already. My hope is that, as the day continues, the list grows—for me and for you.

Dear Sweet Blogging World

2006-07-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

Refusing to panic or crumble beneath the weight of life, I have blogged through many emotions this past month. I have done a lot of reflecting and soul searching, and while I am far from mastering the art of living fully, I am learning to love myself and allow others to love me in a vulnerable state. I am living among better days and am convinced that your blogs (and responses to mine) have enriched my being. Thank you for your gift of time, your caring attitude toward a stranger, and your encouragement. I am grateful for you, members of the sweet blogging world.

On another note, I am leaving town tomorrow to celebrate my second anniversary with my husband. Yea!...this weekend is much needed. See you Sunday! :)

Feeling What?

2006-07-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Nobody condemns and not a single person has cast judgment in my direction. Everybody wants to help and yet I feel…what? What is it that I am feeling? What is this emotion that is so foreign to me, I can not name it? Can it be possible that I feel anxious while at peace? Undeserving while appreciatively accepting? Can I be found the moment I am lost? Were I to list the emotions limited to my vocabulary, I fear I should fall short of labeling the one I feel now.

Perhaps it is humility—productive shame, power brought under control. Or gratitude toward those I love. Toward those who love me, those who lift me up when I feel too small to move. Maybe it is defeat—powerlessness to control my circumstance, to control others. I’ve considered desire, fear, hope, doubt, passion, survival. No. These words do not satisfy my hunger. They do not answer my questions. They do nothing for me. What I feel is a stranger to my life. It does not take from me but I do not know of its willingness to give.

2006-07-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

Last Year's Crop

2006-07-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

“It’s but little good you’ll do a-watering the last year’s crop.” While I’m not totally sure what George Eliot meant by this, my interpretation deems it an appropriate quote in light of my current situation. Lately I have spent countless hours gleaning and analyzing decisions of my past and I’ve come to realize two things. The first is that I spend way too much time contemplating what cannot be changed and in the process of my excessive analysis, I am missing the current joys that life has to offer. Secondly, if I spend my entire life looking backwards while simultaneously attempting to move forward, it is very likely to lead to a psychological breakdown…or at least a head-on collision. So, in an effort to preserve myself from needless tasks, I am redirecting my focus. I have wiped the tears from my eyes and am moving away from my self-indulgent state of defeat. I have to think of this time in my life, and the sacrifices that will be made over the next year or two, as foundations upon which my dreams will be built. I can’t think about the ‘if only’ anymore.

Dear Lori

2006-07-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

It seems like it was yesterday when I met you, sunbathing in the corner of your hospital room, with music playing in the background and a book in your hand. It seems like yesterday when you had your transplant and were up walking the halls with your girlfriends; only yesterday that you gave me a bracelet reminding me to expect miracles. It seems like yesterday when you were using your sarcasm to make the world laugh and pulling pranks on anyone who would let you get by with it…and it just doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t seem right that you would be robbed of tomorrow. It doesn’t seem right that such an amazing woman would be taken at such a young age, with so much life left to live. It doesn’t make sense—not to me and definitely not to your family and friends. But maybe what isn’t fair, are all the people who feel so left behind, who feel lost without your presence, who somehow feel responsible for giving you false hope. How could anyone have known that the end was so near, that your card would be drawn and that God would call another one of his children home? One thing is certain, you were loved…and you taught others how to love and how to live. Although I knew you for such a short amount of time, you touched and blessed my life. You left your mark and gave me a gift to pass on to others. Please know that I will…and thank you.

tonight i will grieve...

2006-06-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

...tomorrow i will reflect on her life and her death, and all she taught me in between.

i think i can't, but i always do...

2006-06-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

there are so many moments in life when i think i can't, but somehow i always do.
there are moments i think will never pass,
and then i find myself on the other side of them.
there are periods when i feel so old, like i've lived a lifetime,
but a quick glance in the mirror tells me I am still young.
today i feel all of these things.
i am old, and i am stuck in a moment
and i am pretty sure i can't...
but i know tomorrow will come.
tomorrow will bring untouched time.
tomorrow i will be me again--young
and full of life.
ready for life.
ready for whatever comes my way.
i will wait for tomorrow, when i can.

Happy 21st Birthday

2006-06-27T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today is my friend Heather's 21st birthday. We actually celebrated it last night by surprising her at a restaurant. Well, we sort of crashed her date...but he knew and she loved it. Great time. Left to right, me, Kristi, Heather, and Christy. :o) Be back later.

Not Together, Not Quite Alone

2006-06-25T22:41:00.000-07:00

Time passes in a blur and I realize that we have not seen each other in days. I see you of course but our conversation is limited to, “when will you be home and what are you doing at such and such time?” We’re not together. We haven’t been together for some time now…but I’m not quite alone and can’t function as an independent. This leaves me in limbo, feeling torn between my desire to be at your side and my desire to push you away completely. Too many nights I fall asleep, with only the dog at my side, and too many mornings I wake up alone. Where are you? Where am I?

I want to miss you but I also want to make you hurt—make you feel the way I do when I know you’re having a good time and I’m left behind. I want to be in your arms, to be held like I am the only thing that matters, but I also want to make you feel neglect—make you feel like the only way to love and security is to ask, no beg, for a moment of my time. I want to talk with you, to look into your eyes, to connect, but I also want to make you feel alienated—make you feel like you bitch about insignificant things and what you have to say isn’t worth my full attention.

We’re not together but I’m not quite alone…and I don’t know which is worst.

Long Days and Little Tragedies (part II)

2006-06-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

In light of recent events, I’ve been thinking about death; specifically, my own. There has always been something about death that really bothers me--that scares the hell out of me. Perhaps it’s the finality of it. There is something about its permanence that causes me to shiver. I comfort myself with thoughts of Heaven-- what I know from my childhood as life after death, a glorious life without pain or suffering. Still, I find little solace in this truth because my human self can not comprehend the supernatural. I want to believe. I know I believe but I can’t grasp an immutable eternity of ecstasy. The closest I can get, is the idea of living endlessly and the thought of perpetual life, in this human state, seems more to me like damnation. Don’t get me wrong, I want to live a long, healthy, happy, productive life but I don’t want to do it forever and ever and ever. I guess if I think about it, I shouldn’t be scared of dying. (I know this is morbid but denying ‘its’ existence and the way it presses on my mind, doesn’t make it go away). I shouldn’t be scared because it is likely to come like a thief in the night and I’m pretty sure I won’t realize it has passed over me. Despite my feelings regarding my own death, I am more afraid of losing my family and friends. As each mother, husband, sister, and nana passes away around me, I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before I lose someone I love and pieces of myself. And even as I wonder these things, I banish the thoughts as if their consideration facilitates a knock on death’s door.

Long Days and Little Tragedies (part I)

2006-06-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

After three consecutive eighteen hour days, smeared with little tragedies, I’m exhausted and thinking extensively of my own mortality. Every day I wake with great expectation for the world ahead of me. What will the day hold? How will I grow? What can I do to leave my mark? How can I make this day count? Never do I consider the possibility that this day, or even this moment, could be my last. It’s almost cliché to utter the words, “live like you were dying.” (Unless of course, you’re Tim McGraw). I digress. Anyway, the truth is, people are dying all around me. Left and right. They’re here and the suddenly, they’re not. I’m sure my friend’s grandmother, or Brad’s sister, or the patient I’ve been caring for, didn’t wake up and think twice about the moments they had left. It’s tragic. Even here, in this little “city of hope,” death slowly moves in, devouring any who submit to hopelessness and some who don’t. In the past week this hospital has had two small fires, a man who shot his wife before killing himself, a good man die of a wretched disease, and right now I am watching a beautiful mother of two, because the very thing that cured her of cancer, may have fried her brain. It’s tragic. It’s tragic and I have questions to which there are no answers.

The Hard Core Truth

2006-06-20T14:36:00.000-07:00

We're going to try something here. I'm going to try something here. For the past few months I have blogged sporadically, only when I deemed my life/thoughts worth reading and (even more realistic) only when the material was easy to write and cope with. I figure that if I write something, it's out there. If I want to change my mind or the way I feel, I can but the world will know that at one point, I felt the way I did and had the stupidity to verbalize it…and the world will remember. If you were to look back at any of the journals I started over the years, you would fall asleep with boredom. I seem to have a Stepford complex in which my world must appear perfect, when we all know it is not. I sort of laugh at this revelation because all my unfinished journals are memoirs of the day to day happenings of my life, without any juicy details that we would all rather hear about. All of my journals have pages that have been ripped out. I would write about things—how I really felt, my views or interpretations of events and later, having read them after some time, I somehow felt compelled to erase the evidence. Only recently have I started sharing the rotten things I say, do, and think, with trusted family and friends and each of them has proved the theory of my younger self, wrong; they all still love me and ironically come back for more. I don’t fully understand it. So, the something I am going to try is this…I am going to use this blog (for an unspecified time) to really journal for myself. Its content is not meant to offend anyone although I can’t promise it wont. My motive is rather selfish—this journal is for me. My goal is to present the hard core truth to and about myself, to have something raw to look back at, and to learn to be real in the midst of my own high expectations and that of my environment. For now, I will try to write at least every other day, but my hope is that I find joy in the journey and journaling becomes a treasured habit.

just give me a minute...

2006-05-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

i decided to celebrate the holiday yesterday, by working. i worked on a medical/surgical unit where quite a few adults confirmed my desire to become a pediatric nurse! honestly, sometimes i think adults are pathetic and consumed by things that really don't matter in the long run. it was a challenging day to say the least. one lady threw a fit because i wasn't around to get her a popsicle the second she paged. many of the patients on this unit can't walk on their own and require a lot of assistance with activities of daily living...which apparently isn't as important as someone's need for ice cream. this incident was one among many, but stands out the most. when i got home i was so pooped but since i had some alone time, i decided to take a minute (or 146) for myself. i completed a great workout, showered and treated myself to a movie. i saw the da vinci code, which i really enjoyed, but didn't get home until 12:40!!! husband thinks i'm kind of weird to go to the movies alone but after the day i had, i really enjoyed the moments of solitude.

I get it now.

2006-05-27T23:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I prayed that I would have a good day. Today I prayed that the children I helped care for, would survive. Today I prayed that God would extend His mercy and grace onto the lives that have only known cancer.

Yesterday I worked out, in a vain attempt to become thin and “beautiful.” Today my heart hurt for the 200 pound boy, whose mother referred to him as various foods as we rolled him in a blanket to transfer him to a chair. Today I worked out to become strong and healthy, to take care of my body so that I can continue to care for others.

Yesterday I worried about getting my statistics course finished. Today I sat with a seventeen year old boy who worried about finishing high school. Today I reprioritized the important things in life.

Yesterday I looked out my window and wondered if my life would ever mean something more. Today I watched a father stand in his robe looking out the sixth story window—a prisoner, bound by disease and multiple IV lines—wondering if his life would ever be something more. Today I claimed that my life would have meaning and purpose, that my feet would go the distance and that my hands would consciously touch others.

Yesterday I complained.
Today I listened.

my own introduction

2006-05-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

It’s been a very long time since I participated in Self-Portrait Tuesday and I missed out on introductions. Nonetheless, when I saw this reflection piece circulating, I wanted to give it a shot. Here it goes…

I am: not defined by a single term or characteristic.

I want: at this particular moment, a java chip frappachino. Or maybe a white chocolate moacha.

I have: some really big decisions to make in the near future.

I wish: I was not bound by the constraints of money or time.

I hate: that I am not always who I want to me, that I don’t always say what my heart wants to say, and (a little less profound) the flab of fat that has collected over the years, under my upper arms. Yuck.

I miss: certain memories from my childhood, like walking to get snow cones and figuring out what to do with the sandwiches we didn’t want to eat. ::wink::

I hear: myself think all the time and sometimes (especially at night) I wish I could turn myself off.

I wonder: what my life will be like in five, ten, fifteen years.

I am not always: on time. In fact, I often run late. Not too late, just “fashionably late.”

I dance: in the kitchen and sometimes in the car if I’m trying to embarrass someone.

I sing: Christmas songs all year long…and I don’t know all the words to any one song.

I cry: at certain movies, nearly every episode of Grey’s Anatomy and even touching commercials…it’s quite pathetic, I know.

I make with my hands: only what I can’t get my sister to do for me.

I write: to reflect, to feel, to escape, and sometimes not at all.

I confuse: things that I shouldn’t, like disease processes and sometimes medications.

I need: a vacation from the responsibilities of adulthood and life in general…and then another one to recover from the first. :o)

I should: be working on statistics…but also, learn to laugh more.

I start: personal journals all the time, but have yet to finish one.

I finish: college in exactly one year. Woot. Woot.

Moving Away

2006-05-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

I suppose that now is as good a time as any to start blogging again. I guess you could say that I went through my own funk, which is likely the result of an over abundance of stress. I’ve been working a lot lately and trying to trudge through the statistics course I am taking. It turned out to be a lot harder (and more time consuming) than I anticipated, but I can see light at the end of the dreary tunnel. I am also struggling with very mixed emotions lately and have not quite decided how I feel about my family moving.

This past weekend my parents (and little sisters) moved to the high desert and in a manner of weeks my older sister and her husband are moving to Palm Springs (a short stop on the way to Oregon). I am trying to be optimistic and excited for them but it’s hard because I already feel alone. I know that we will not see each other as often…the convenience of ‘dropping by’ is gone. I’m grieving the physical distance that is between us and I’m grieving the experiences that won’t be mutually shared. At the same time, I am very excited about the next phase in all our lives and I know these moves will not change the relationships we have worked so hard to build.

2006-05-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry...I just don't have anything to say right now.

kill or be killed

2006-05-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting here utterly exhausted but satisfied with the work I have done in the past 48 hours. I am tired. I was tired when I got home but still had a thirty minute workout between me and the blessed hour that my head would fall weight-bound onto the lumpy yet inviting pillow that I call my own. I hope for a night of peaceful sleep. I’d like to think this is the least I deserve but I decide to conserve my energy.

Tomorrow I will wake to a whining dog in the wee hours of the morning, created by my own laziness when I refused to clean another litter box. God I pray my child never wants a cat. I will once again embark on my endeavor to change the composition (or rather the shape) of my being because my body demands it of me and because I like the illusion of control that I have when I decide how many bicep curls to do.

I’ll spend a lengthy hour getting ready, meander through three piles of laundry, and maybe pay a couple of bills—all the while, looking with resentment at the new statistics book that occupies the once coveted space that is my desk. I am resolved to attack this course like a lion, selfishly thrashing away and devouring my prey. Eat or be eaten, kill or be killed…or more realistically, finish the course with a decent grade, or tack another $28,000.00 in tuition for a fifth year at APU. The latter has the voice of my parents hauntingly chanting “kill or be killed” in the temporal lobe of my brain. I want to be done before Stateline, before June, but the clock is ticking and I am sixteen lessons from the finish line. Sixteen lessons means that I haven’t cracked the book and even though I am willing every ounce of my body to have discipline, the majority of me wants to disappear into The Time Traveler’s Wife. For those of you who have read this best-selling masterpiece, by first time novelist, Audrey Niffenegger, you have to agree with me that a statistics course over the summer, just doesn’t measure up. Nonetheless, I fear the likeliness of my lion/death analogy if I don’t get started.

oh, bless my soul

2006-05-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

YEA!!!! I'm done, I'm done. I can now officially say that I am a senior in college!!! For all of you who have supported me through three of the most challenging years of my life, thank you....and a very special thank you to my mom and family who sent me these beautiful flowers to bless my soul and put a smile on my face. Aren't they splendid!?!

So...this means that I'm back. While I am on my way to bed for the night (and working all day tomorrow) I definitely plan to read all the posts I missed and get caught up myself. I hope you are all having a beautiful and restful week.

until next time...

2006-04-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

I won't say 'goodbye for the weekend' because last time I did that, I was gone for a month. At any rate, I have safely arrived at finals week and don't know how much play time I will have to blog between now and next Thursday. So sadly, I must say 'until next time...'

i should be….

2006-04-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

i should be studying for finals. i should be studying but everyday now i run home to check my favorite blogs, a list that grows uninhibited. i should be studying but every blog i read makes me feel a little more normal and connected, so that i keep reading as time marches on. the chores are done, dinner was served and cleaned up, and i am home alone. i'm alone and my time is mine. i should choose school but for a moment school is not what i want. all i want is to be here, quietly contemplating the thoughts of my invisible friends, of my invisible family. all i want is to know you and be known. to embrace you as you cry and shed a tear of my own. to laugh together as we share our blunders and foes. to exist in a world that is increasingly accepting. i should be, but i'm not...and i'm okay with that.

"Togetherness"

2006-04-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that I have recently taken to cooking, something that I should have started long ago. Well, it's certainly been an interesting yet fun experience. With little prior experience and a brand new cookbook, I set off not knowing exactly where to start. I had husband choose some meals he wanted to try and began a list of ingredients I would need to buy (which was everything). So far the project didn't seem too hard and fit well into the "layout, plan, and execute" format that I have mastered over the last few years of school. So, with my list in hand I went to the market...only to discover that I didn't even know what half of the items on my list were. Thank God my mom happened to call because otherwise I would never have known that dry sherry isn't in fact dry and my list of what sounded like foreign animals, were actually just spices. An hour and a half later, I was home and ready to cook.

My first meal, using all fresh produce, would have been a hit had I not misread one small ingredient. It looked good and certainly smelled good but the real test was going to be feeding it to husband (whose mother is a retired cook). When I finally tasted my first bite I realized something went terribly wrong. Immediately my eyes began to burn and I swear a drop of sweat collected at my brow. Taking a peak back at the recipe I read 1/8 teaspoon black pepper. Now, I honestly can't tell you how much pepper I added but I do know that whatever spoon I used, I added two scoops. I don't know about you, but there are no spoons in my kitchen that, when doubled, equal 1/8 of a teaspoon.

...and that was just the first dish. Since then, we have discovered that a garlic glove is one of the little pieces from the bundle and not the bundle itself, that directions are put in order for a reason and that peppers that look like jalapeños, but four times the size, are not in fact the same thing. We have a long way to go but I have to say that the process has been great fun. Husband has not only picked the meals but helped me cook them. We have cooked several meals together and early this morning we made breakfast, went grocery shopping, and worked out together. I love it...mistakes and all.

{got ya}

2006-04-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

spring has sprung! :)
xo,
joleen

Silencing the beast

2006-04-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

My dog has been barking incessantly for the past five minutes and I want so badly to throw something at him to silence the treachery. I love him, (probably more than the rest of the human race will ever understand) but right now he falls right into the category of the 'little dog.' Anyone who has ever hated little dogs knows the bark that I speak of. It isn't the normal, “I just want to scare the FedEx man," or "get the hell out of my yard" bark. Instead, it's a high-pitched shrill that says "I'm barking because I can." Believe it or not, I didn’t set out to blog about my dog, but seeing as how I repeatedly fail to silence the little beastling, I could think of nothing else to write.

ahhh…silence at last.

Now, before my dog began singing his version of ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, I was going to tell you about my recent endeavors. Over spring break my sister Joleen, taught me how to knit. What she doesn’t know, is that she taught me a few other lessons along the way, in addition to serving as a source of motivation. I was so sad to leave her and my grandma but simultaneously excited for the opportunities ahead. Since I came home, husband and I bought a new cookbook which I have already come to know and love. I am still knitting (with warm feelings of tenderness for the process), and have even found a scant amount of joy in keeping up with the household chores. Can you tell the end of the school year is near?

grrr…{he} just remembered that he stopped barking. More on my cooking adventures (and I do mean adventures) to come…

the end....and the beginning.

2006-04-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today was my last clinical day for the semester, which is oh so bitter-sweet. Every year I find myself anxiously anticipating clinical days, I experience troubled sleep the night before, and I have often wondered if the end product of all my work will be worth the sweat, blood, and tears that I have contributed over the past three years. Yet ironically, the closer I get to graduating, the more I cling to the comfort of having an instructor looking over my shoulder and double checking the medications I am about to give. I cling to the friendships I have made through mutual suffering. I cling to the security and certainty of a class schedule and laid-out assignments. I hate these things and yet I adore them. I run from them and simultaneously look back to see that they are still with me. I want the freedom and responsibility that comes with the profession and am scared to death of what can happen when I am more than a 'student nurse.'

Just stopping By

2006-04-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am sort of bummed because in all the excitement of my spring break and of course Easter, I didn't take a photo of my own. I have nothing tangible to show of a wonderful week!!! Perhaps I will borrow from someone who was more 'on top of things,' as they say. So, here is the link to my sister's (Joleen) blog, if you want to meet someone terrific and see some shots from the last week or so.

Unfortunately the same absent-mindedness has been following me for a while. I have got to snap out of it and reprioritize. Lately I feel like everything I do is on the run and therefore, is not quite done to the best of my ability...yes, that includes blogging. I feel like I am running around and 'just stopping by' everywhere I go. I am embarrassed to admit, that I even ran a red light today. It wasn't even close to being green. I just went, and I'm lucky I didn't cause an accident or kill someone. As scary as that was, it sort of woke me up. I am going to try my best, over the next few days, to really concentrate on what I am doing...to be selective about the activities I choose and to slow down. Wish me luck and for those of you who have been running around as fellow chickens, I pray for a moment of peace for you.

Until next time...

Beautiful Sunday

2006-04-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter...the most beautiful Sunday. (Pictures to follow).

Option Number Three (a bit graphic)

2006-04-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

I have heard that giving birth is a miracle beyond words. While I am sure it is, I have something to say about it. I spent another day in the NICU yesterday and attended two deliveries from high-risk pregnancies. The first was an emergency cesarean followed (minutes later) by a normal, spontaneous, vaginal delivery. While I'm standing there viewing, what to me, looks horrific, I begin contemplating my own options. I have seen several deliveries before but have always viewed the pains associated with birth, as a mischance peculiar to 'those women' and not at all incidental to myself. Some day, it is likely that I will have a child of my own and when that day comes, I hope against all hope that they have discovered some other means of extracting the slimy lizard (what my husband calls all newborns) from my body. I’m thinking, they can take it from my ear as long as it does no permanent damage and doesn’t involve placing any of my organs on the outside of my body.

If you’ve never seen the delivery of a baby, I have to say, it is quite amazing. I have no problem with that element of the miracle. I also have no problem (as morbid as it sounds) watching ‘those women’ go through whatever means necessary to bring their buddle of joy, into the world. I can stand all day and watch one uterus after another, be weaseled out of the abdomen and placed on top of the woman having a cesarean. The same goes for vaginal delivery…as long as we are not talking about me. I would rather be at the other end to catch my baby, instead of the one pushing it out. You know what did it for me? The woman who had the vaginal delivery ripped all the way down to her anus and I’m thinking to myself that has to be equivalent to kicking a male, you know where, times ten. Do women honestly ever want to have sex again after inflicting so much trauma on the precious va-j-j? Don’t answer that! My point is, I think I know too much, and have seen way too much to ever enter into this contract lightly—I choose option number three.

ok, so i lied

2006-04-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

As you all know by now...I did not in actuality return to the wonderful world of blogging, and as some of you mentioned I have not commented on other blogs in quite some time either. I am sorry. My weekend turned into a bit of a sabbatical and I found that when I had time to blog, I didn't know where to start, or frankly didn't feel up to blogging at all.

That being said, I would like to take a moment to thank you all for your faithfulness and support during this time. I found something interesting in my period of absence...I seem to have some silent stalkers. ::wink:: You know who you are, and to you I say, thanks for reading and feel free to pipe in with a comment once and a while.

Okay, so there it is. It isn't much, and it isn't profound, but I'm back...at least until I run out of things to say.

I'm back...almost.

2006-03-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

Wow! That was a very long weekend. I have a lot of catching up to do. Stay tuned...

Goodbye for the weekend...

2006-03-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

I'm looking out my window at the joyous weather and inviting sun, and back at the books piled high on my desk. The time has come for midterms, projects and ridiculously long papers. The work that goes behind the joys of my job as a student nurse will haunt me now but I will think about chickens in the OR and press on. So for now (likely the extent of the weekend) I will say goodbye to the world of blogging. Tear.

Dear Dad {part II}

2006-03-01T15:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Dad,

I’ve waited a long time to hear from you, not knowing if that time would every really come. I’ve struggled with anger, sadness, and fear…always struggling alone. I’ve waited on you without knowing that I’ve been waiting or knowing why. I’ve waited without thinking about what it would be like to stop, without thinking about what I would do or say if the time ever came when I didn’t have to wait anymore.

I had a dream once that you had cancer and were going to die. There was no reconciliation and when I woke up I felt devastated and desperate. Last night I dreamed you had a heart attack and I couldn’t save you. Again, I woke up helpless. Two days ago I wrote a short story about a girl who was urgently waiting and didn’t know why…she only knew how important waiting was. The ironic thing is that everyone who read it thought I was talking about myself. I guess I was, only I didn’t know it at the time. Today…twelve months of silence has been broken.

I got your letter and I have to say that was taken off guard. To be honest I didn’t know if I would ever hear from you again and I was resolved to accept your decision. You mentioned that you didn’t know why we chose not to call or visit you anymore. You mentioned having an open door policy…but I wonder if in the twelve months of silence you tried to call or visit me. The night we saw you last, was less than unpleasant. There are no words to describe that night and I was only sorry that we could do nothing to rescue the children who had to stay. That is all I will say of it…This is not a time to point fingers or to cast judgment.

You spoke of your relationship (in your letter) with your own dad. The same questions you have about your father, have plagued me relentlessly, for as long as I remember. I have wondered over the past twelve months if you have noticed the length of time that has passed. I have wondered if you care or if you are secretly relieved not to have to deal with us anymore. I have wondered if you are well or if my dreams—my nightmares—are really my reality. I wonder still, if this letter is truly an attempt to build a relationship that has been broken and lost. Your dad doesn’t know you…and sadly, you don’t know me. You don’t know that I am a good writer or that I am passionate about nursing. You don’t that I’ve never missed an episode of Grey’s Anatomy or that my favorite meal is meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. You weren’t there when I bought my first car or moved into my first place with my husband. You weren’t there when I had to have a breast ultrasound because we found what we thought was a mass.

My point Dad, is not to rub this in your face, but to show you the effect of your absence. The little things matter. The little moments matter, and people who care about each other, are there for the little moments. I don’t want to see you only on birthdays, Christmas, at weddings, and God-willing the delivery of my first child. That is not a relationship. I don’t want to see you only if I call or pursue you…a one-sided relationship is not a relationship either. I understand if you were not raised to show affection or to keep in touch, but I don’t accept that as an excuse.

I thank you for acknowledging and apologizing for the pain you have caused. I thank you for asking for forgiveness and I want you to know, that you have been forgiven already. The past twelve months have gone by not because we hate you and never want to see you again. The past twelve months have gone by because you have allowed them to. Please don’t ever allow that amount of time to pass before showing the people you love, that you love them—they won’t know otherwise.

Chickens in the OR

2006-02-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

I worked in the operating room today (and by work I mean watched). ::wink:: It was friggin awesome! Never mind the fact that I looked like a bunny gone bad. When they say you have to suit up in a bunny suit, there not kidding. It was literally a white, puffy, one-piece suit that zipped up the front...and being that I am only 5'3" I looked like I had a serious load in my pants. Why do they say one-size-fits-all? Ahh. Well, I figured if this was the worst, it can't be that bad. Wrong. The face masks they give you branch off the nose, making it look like you've grown an obscure beak. am i a bunny? am i a duck? am i just in need of some therapy? Luckily Dr. McDreamy wasn’t there. Sigh.

Once in the OR, I quickly observed two things. Most surgeons have really hairy arms, and the scrub tech has an awesome job! Here I am working on my lil' four year degree and I envy the girl who gets to hand the doc his scalpel. And yes, they really do say ‘scalpel.’ It's great! So, basically this chick goes to school for one year, learns the names of the tools and how to count towels, and she gets to sit in on the best surgeries EVER!!!

Anyway, I did think about Dr McDreamy while I was there, since the first two cases we saw were neuro. I won’t go into detail about them but I will say this much—we saw a craniotomy, ventricular shunt replacement, and total thyroidectomy. Did I mention how much I love nursing? I will end the recount of a fabulous day on this note—right before we left the surgeons began talking about chickens. Chickens…of all things. Surgery and chickens. I think it’s a sign.

For a Rainy Day...

2006-02-27T21:50:00.000-08:00

“What are you waiting for?” Startled by the deep voice and the way it cut through my thoughts, I was flung back into the present where I realized that I was not only cold, but wet. Without lifting my eyes toward my inquirer, I contemplated the question. I didn’t know what I was waiting for, I hadn’t thought about it. All I knew was how important waiting was.

“Did you hear me?” probed the same booming voice. Did he think I was deaf? He was standing close enough for me to feel the warmth radiating from his body. I would have to be deaf not to hear him. I just didn’t know what to say.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I just um…I don’t know.” It was a lame response, but it was true.

“You don’t know what you’re waiting for?” I sat without answering, without looking up. I had been sitting in the same position since dawn and wasn’t leaving until I figured out what I was waiting for and why it was so important. I woke up this way; with a sense of urgency that I had to come here and when I got here I realized I didn’t know why. So I sat; all day, in the same position, on the same bench. And now here I was, illuminated by the flickering street light with some guy standing over me and intruding upon my private thoughts.

“Well, do you mind if I sit with you?” This time I looked up. I quickly assessed that while the man was twice my size and covered with tattoos, his demeanor was not at all threatening. In fact, his eyes were gentle and kind. Or maybe just tired, it was hard to tell. Anyway, I figured he had just as much right as anyone else to occupy the other side of the bench, so I nodded.

“What’s your name?” he asked as he sat, a little too close for my liking. Clearly I was not going to be left to bask in the solitude of my own thoughts.

“Nicole.” I lied. It was the first thing that came to mind.

{Beautiful Sunday} Pet Rendition

2006-02-26T16:36:00.000-08:00

Pet Rendition

This is Zena...husband 'rescued' and brought her home (to my parent's home) before we were married...I should have known! She's cool, I guess. My favorite thing about her is her beautiful print.

This little dude is Sonnie. He is the latest addition to the Zoo. I have to say that his color is beautiful but he doesn't shut up until we cover his cage at night. I have a love/hate relationship with him....
This is Jake basking in the sun during one of our walks. I have to say, he is my favorite. He hangs by my side during hours of homework, takes me for walks and tries to join me in the bath from time to time. It's strange, I know.

Well, have another beautiful Sunday!!!

Beautiful Sunday

2006-02-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

Beautiful things.
It’s a beautiful thing when you fall asleep to the methodical sound of rain beating on the thirsty ground.
It’s a beautiful thing to wake up next to someone you love.
It’s a beautiful thing to share a smile with someone who could be drowning in life’s greatest sorrow.
It’s a beautiful thing to watch flowers grow and trees change colors; to breathe and to feel.
It’s a beautiful thing to laugh and to love and to live.

If I could rule the world...

2006-02-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

Remember the writing activities we used to do in elementary? I think they were intended to calm stundents after lunch recess more so then to spark our creative and unpolluted little minds. The bell would ring and we either lined up or slowly migrated to our classes and reluctantly took our seats, all the while continuing whatever remnants that we could of the games we played outside. Slowly, each child was directed toward the board, awaiting instruction, quietly reading the prompt written in clear, bold, dry-erase marker. "If I could rule the world for a day..."

If I could rule the world for a day... When we were eight we said things like, there would be no bed time and I could eat all the candy I wanted. Then we grew up. We don’t say the things we want to say because by the time we reach 18 we are taught to say more than what we want. We are taught to say what is politically correct and socially acceptable. In fact, we know exactly how we should respond and yet there remains a part of us all that wishes we could say the same silly things we did when we were eight. So now, I ask you (the eight year old you-the you without children, and bills, and responsibility) if I could rule the world for a day...

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

2006-02-14T21:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's to me, happy Valentine's to me, and so on... here's how my evening plays out. I'm sitting on my couch, watching my movie, and waiting for husband to come home, when in he walks with a huge box. It had a red ribbon on it and he walked in smiling. He said, "this could be for you...or it could be for me, from another girl." Ha! Low and behold, I got the box. Look what was in my box. Oh my gosh!!! I bought him movies and a piece of chocolate, geeezzz!!! Happy, happy Valentine's. I'm glad my husband loves me everyday, but what a bonus!!!

Without a post...

2006-02-14T19:48:00.000-08:00

I couldn't very well let the day go by and not post...not when everyone else did. So here. I left this morning before husband woke up (5am) and might very well be in bed before he gets home from work. I know. I feel sort of sorry for me too. No worries, I plan on foregoing homework and spending the evening with the next best thing...Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy) and Sorbet on the couch with my dog. Good lord, I could write a book about it. Ha! Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day!!!

some random thoughts

2006-02-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

There's a lot on my heart and nothing to write about. I feel the weight of the weightless world and wonder who is knocking at my door. My inquisitive mind is looking inward and probing at the issues seething just far enough below the surface to remain hidden and mystical. I maintain an unquenchable thirst that neither drink nor knowledge are able to fill. I am numb in my existence and feel the burden of another soul.

IV Madness

2006-01-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately I forgot my camera, so I don't have any shots of our 'IV madness' in action. Anyway, it went very well considering it was our first time. We practiced on a fake arm that simulated a human's arm both anatomically and even physiologically. Well, it wasn't warm but it did have blood flow! Ok, so it was colored liquid but I thought it was pretty darn nifty. Anyway, I was feeling very proud of myself when on my first stick, I got blood return (this was after several of my peers had attempted the same feat, to no avail). Go Aimee, it's your birthday...ok, so I was excited. Now time to stick a real person. I partnered up with my dear friend Kristi who, God love her, left two battle wounds on my right hand. Have you ever had an IV or blood draw in your hand? It hurts. It especially hurts if the needle doesn't actually go into the vein. Yeah. Well, luckily for us both her second attempt went much better!!! I on the other hand, didn't do quite as well. My first attempt merely punctured skin and as her veined sunk deeper, went along side it. I pulled it out and tried the other hand, as if changing hands was going to improve my skill. It was so easy on the dummy. At least his veins protrude and don't roll. Well, the second attempt didn't go much better and I may have struck a nerve but no worries, third times the charm. Since Kristi's veins are about as good as mine (they suck) my clinical instructor offer her arm. AHHHHH. No pressure!!! Anyway, I am happy to report that I am now a skilled ::wink:: IV starter. Her veins were as beautiful as my stick. I immediately got blood return and hooked up my saline flush. It was freakin' awesome.

Hit the ground running...or not.

2006-01-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

On the first day of the semester I was told that I should 'hit the ground running.' It was a time of new beginnings and literally a new year and I should embrace every opportunity to grow and learn. Well...I can't say without fabrication, that is what I have done. Sure, I've completed every assignment (some with minutes to spare before facing immutable deadlines) but instead of getting the jump start that was so kindly encouraged, I sort of just 'hit the ground.' For lack of motivation or blatent laziness I have taken my light course to a new dimension. The world looks quite different when you're laying down. Well anyway, for those of you who are aiding me in my endeavor to acquire an amazing education, you can breathe now. Breaks over and I am officially ready to begin my new semester. :o) Better late then never-I have picked myself up and am off....

Tomorrow I will start my first IV ever. Luckily for my peers, my excitement and confidence is currently outweighing the underlying fear of puncturing someone's precious vein. Hehe. So who wants to go first?

Let's get honest...

2006-01-21T10:03:00.000-08:00

For some reason, all the positive juices that were flowing through me mere days ago, are a bit drained today. It's hard to be all that is good and right and still be real. I need to find balance. I need to find peace within myself. My deep need to control my environment is creating in me an uninhibited and cynical monster. Why can't I just be...in whatever my circumstance? Why do I obsess over the possibility of things always being better? Why do I contemplate the 'if only'... I don't know. I really and truly have no idea. I have everything that should make me happy beyond imagination. I love my family and close friends and know that they love me. I have so much going for me and I am doing at 20, what some people dream about for a lifetime. I have a really good life and am not ungrateful...But still I can't help but feel like something is missing-like there's a big secret someone is keeping from me. I have a hole that at times feels eternally deep and my life has been spent trying to fill it. I'm not unhappy and I don't feel depressed, I just don't get it. I manage my life and precisely cross every 'T' but maybe that's just it...maybe my journey is one of letting go.

Beautiful Mind

2006-01-14T05:35:00.000-08:00

Each day I have been finding new ways to respect myself-my body, mind, and spirit. This endeavor has proved to be a joy and I am finding that there are several areas in my life, where I am diligent in respecting myself already and having some fun. It can be so hard for me to be positive at times and lately I have been pretty mean...at least within the secret chambers of my mind. I must confess, I think this is even worst. I am not always as kind as I appear on the outside so I am working on creating a beautiful mind and while I'm at it I will take a good look at the inner workings of my heart. It's a journey but I am finding that that's what life is all about...finding joy in the journey.

Happy Birthday Husband

2006-01-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

I feel sort of bad because I was so good about blogging the pups birthday but husband's came and went without a word. So...happy birthday husband. For his special day we had a little gathering at the in laws. It was quite fun actually and some of Vince's friends came over to celebrate with us. The guys spent most of the evening playing poker and other card games. There were literally times when we had to yell to hear each other over all the noise. As always, he made out with gifts.

Happy Birthday Jake!!

2006-01-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

Today is my pup's 1st birthday. Look how small he was when I got him. The smallest harness didn't quite fit. Now he's huge (in comparison) and a bit more accustomed to standing in grass. Well, Happy Birthday Bud.

A little behind...again.

2006-01-02T21:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm a little behind. Thought I'd share anyway. I went with my family to Las Vegas this past weekend, to bring in the new year. We spent hours walking the strip, shopping, watching movies, playing games, and having fun. We also went to see the dolphin exhibit and got some great shots. We only went to the casino for gambling one time and within an hour, I was carded. I wasn't even playing. My mom showed me many of her favorite slots and played a good hour and a half with $20. I had fun spending the time with her even though I mostly watched. Three more months!!! I am already saving my coins.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

2005-12-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

What a day I had yesterday. By the way the morning started, I never would have thought it would be so bad. In fact, it couldn't have started off better. I woke up before my alarm clock, feeling rested and well. The sun was rising and reflecting off the clear mountains as I drove to work. It was a crisp yet suprisingly warm morning and I received a good assignment. I went about my duties and even though I had nine patients, they were all presumably well. Right. Then all of a sudden...I started getting a headache. I thought I justed needed to eat, so I went downstairs to try out the Bistro everyone raves about. I ordered an apple/almond cesar salad and asked for the dressing on the side. I ate and got back to work. My morning was simple, but good. I still had the headache (which was rapidly progressing into a migraine) but tried my best to shake it off. So, I'm doing my thing when one of the nurses calles me in a patient's room and asks me to help her. I thought hey, no problem, just give me a minute. Just as I'm walking in the room to "help her" she mumbles something about needing food and conveniently disappears. Terrible was my headache...it's about to get Horrible (and perhaps a bit graphic). I turned to Mr A. (we shall call him) to find that he was covered in urine and fecal matter. I am not exaggerating. I put up with a lot and am normally very easy going about the disgusting jobs that I do but at this point I am thinking, what a b___! This poor guy is very sick and happened to be in adult briefs (diapers). I knew he was given lasix, but dang... He had to be a good 6' 3" and there was no way I could manage this mess on my own. Grrrr. So now I definitely have a migraine and I'm feeling a bit nauseated. When the job was done (a big thank you to another nurse who cared enough about the patient and me, to lend a helping hand) I sat for two minutes to rest. Here's to No Good. Feeling very sick and ready to vomit I went to the bathroom on the verge of tears, only to smash my ring finger in the large (and very heavy) industrial door. No words escaped me but my tears fell uninhibited. I couldn't bring myself to look at the damage. Ouch. I made an executive decision that my day was going to end but unfortunately it was not honored. Being that my nail immediately turned black and my finger was swollen, I had to go to employee health for an x-ray to see if it was also broken. Yes, I smashed it that hard. As if the headache, extreme nausea and smashed finger weren't enough... I never did get an x-ray because I showed up crying and preceded to vomit for a good twenty minutes. Very, Very Bad Day!. I am now hating life, cursing the funny-tasting salad, cursing cruel crappy nurses, and holding an ice pack on my wounded finger. It took me four and half hours to get home because I had to make a few stops on the way. After I was finally allowed to leave City of Hope, I made it ten miles down the road to APU, where I slept in the parking lot for an hour. My next stop was another fifteen miles east, to my parents house. They weren't home but I didn't care. I needed a toilet (or any object suitable for catching vomit) and a bed. When they did get home (God bless them) they took very good care of me and nursed me back to health. Even Sarah helped out. Even stranger than the perfect way my day began, was the way it ended. After a couple hours of rest, a couple trips to the restroom, and some Malox, I was totally fine. I went downstairs, had some cream of wheat, shared some laughs and made the final fifteen miles to my home where my shower and bed were waiting.

P.S. Actual thought while my head was plunged into the depths of the toilet: "At least I'll have something interesting to blog about"

Vacation Update...

2005-12-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've blogged regularly and it seems that I'll have to retrain myself to think about it on a daily basis. At any rate...my mini vacation has been pretty nice so far. As I said earlier, I went and spent a day and a half with Joleen and her charge. It was quite fun and I really enjoyed myself. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures to share. We spent a lot of time relaxing, visiting, and shopping. On Friday we went down town and found these really cute little shops with a wide variety of goodies. I was able to get most of my Christmas shopping done. That evening, my parents treated Vince, myself, and the other employees/families from S&S Logistis with an evening out at the dinner theatre. We really enjoyed ourselves. I worked Saturday and have spent the last two days catching up on chores, and getting ready for Christmas. I am actually excited about the holidays, and am getting into the Christmas spirit. I love the freedom of thought and peace of mind that I am finding in my rest.

It is finished!!!!

2005-12-15T09:43:00.000-08:00

There were moments when I thought this time would never come, but I am officially done with this grueling semester. Wow!!! I am going out to visit Joleen today and am spending the night, to kick off my mini vacation. When I get back, I am going to the Candlelight Pavillion with my family and other employees at S&S Logistics. I am very excited. I have every intention of squeezing each drop of joy out of each day...it is going to be great! Thanks again for all the support and encouragement during this time. Until next time...

THE END IS NEAR!

2005-12-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

Alas...I see light and the end is near. In celebration, I went to bed at 6:30 last night and died to the world until 8:00 this morning. Ahhh... Who says you can't make up sleep? The night before I never went to bed and the night before that I took a three hour nap around 1:30 in the morning. There is no doubt in my mind that I needed all 13 and 1/2 hours of undisturbed rest. Five more days!!!

P.S. Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and prayers during this time of my life. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me (especially in the moments when I feel like giving up).

Pathetic

2005-12-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's official. I'm pathetic. I just spent the last five minutes staring at a blank screen that is supposed to be my cardiac paper and wishing that the pain in my right lower quadrant would be my appendix rupturing. Who wishes their appendix would rupture? Wow! It's like I'm facing this enormous brick wall with no rope, and I'm digging...but for the life of me I can't remember why! I have seven more days. Seven.

A little alone

2005-11-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

Two more weeks and I struggle to press on. Somehow I can't seem to remember all those reasons I had for doing what I am. I'm a little alone today, surrounded only by papers to write and books to read. I'm a little alone today, separated from the people I love and the things that bring me joy. I'm a little alone in my endeavors to 'better my life.' I set out with great dreams of changing the world, one patient at a time. I endure blood and cadavers and unreasonable 'code browns.' I'm committed to a passion that might drive me mad and maintain a vision of the difference I can make. I've stayed in the competition, even when the heat rises and just when I think the worst is behind me, the task before me seems unbearably large. I wonder if, when all is said and done, it will have been worth it? I wonder if the events I missed out on or the hours I spend studying will change the life of anyone? I wonder if I'll be happy in the end, with the life I'm creating now? No worries. I'll get it all done, I always do. I'll stay up late tonight and wake up early tomorrow...and when I walk in each room, I'll smile and say 'Happy Thanksgiving.' I'll say it with love, while I empty another urinal and make another bed...and I'll mean it. That's tomorrow but today, I'm just a little alone.

Out of Order...

2005-11-09T08:03:00.000-08:00

Well, this blog is officially out of order. I think I've gone a week (or has it been longer?) of not posting a thing. Unfortunately someone thought it would be a great idea to cram two clinicals into one semester instead of the usual one...as if that wasn't enough! Anyway, I have less than five weeks left and am moving along. I may pop in and out, but my "blog time" has gone from 30-45 minutes a day to 3-4 minutes. I know! Can you believe that? I feel sorry for me too. :o) See you soon!!

>20 things<

2005-10-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

It's taken me a while, but here it is (in no particular order).

I talk to myself...more than I am willing to admit.
My pup has to touch me when we sleep...and I secretly love it!
I hate cleaning toilets.
Are toilets white so you can see when they're dirty?
I am thinner when I wear my black cardigan.
What to do with five more minutes and five more dollars?
I like to think of myself as well organized...but obsessive, compulsive personality is probably a more suitable description.
This blog has lasted longer than any journal of mine.
Today it took me two hours to drive to clinical, I nearly ran out of gas on the way, I was thirty minutes late, and I'll probably have a ticket mailed to me....oh, how I love nursing.
They say that what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.
I love early mornings....the world is still asleep, the air is fresh and seems a little less polluted, the day holds so much opportunity, the earth is quiet and still. Yes, I love mornings.
I love giving injections...I know it sounds sick but it really is a skill to be mastered, and once mastered, it is an art.
We always have 'pooping material' in our bathroom.
There is no topic too disturbing to talk about at our dinner table...I'm a nursing student, so everything is free game.
I know fruit snacks are edible, but do they honestly qualify as being food?
Conversation with my husband-A:What are you thinking? V:Nothing. A:What do you mean nothing? You have to be thinking something. It's impossible to not think, all the time. V:Umm...I don't know what you want me to say, I wasn't thinking anything.
True fact: There are moments when men (and some women) are actually void of any thought for variable periods of time. This is hard for me to accept because I can't last 30 seconds without thinking about something. I think until the moment I fall asleep, and start again the moment I wake up.
I don't have kids but should that time ever come, I have names! :o)
Right now I commute nearly 200 miles each week.
Five blogs I salk daily (and 1 new one): joleen's artistic endeavors, kimmyandkids, mad organica, a sweet life, and sundaisies & doodlebugs.

Mirror, Mirror....

2005-10-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

There are times when I stare at my reflection, and I’m proud of what I see,
And then moments when I close my eyes, avoiding the face looking back at me.
I may wake up, embrace myself and decide I love the curves,
Then later on, I change my mind, this body gets on my nerves.
One minute I love who I am, I feel confident and strong,
Then I walk in a room full of ‘betters’ and realize I don’t belong.

On one side there’s a girl who’s fluffier than me,
So I suck it in a little more and somehow feel more pretty.
Then I look to my right and there she is, the one who seems to glow,
Suddenly my air deflates and my shoulders hang down low.

As I walk away feeling sorrow and a little self-defeat,
I hear that voice for deep within, the comfort of my retreat.
‘Oh pretty girl why can’t you see that yours is a perfect design,
I created you for a purpose; I have a plan for you in mind.
Sometimes you may feel down and blue, about your looks or capabilities,
Remember that you were made for me and the things that last an eternity.’

With this in mind, I hold my head up high and every chance I get,
I look at my reflection and remember God’s direction, I have not one regret.
I am beautiful and capable, I am valued, I belong.
I’m empowered by the grace of God, in my weakness, He’s made strong.

There are times when I stare at my reflection, and I’m proud of what I see!

SPT {reflections}

2005-10-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

Reflections of me.

True Confessions…

2005-10-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

We aren’t that different from dogs. Seriously. I was walking my dog today and as always we had to stop for a potty break. It’s here that his routine begins. He goes around and around, sniffing and exploring his options. It is almost as if the various areas of grass provide different accommodations for which he can take care of, or should I say do his business. At first I did what we all do. I sighed and wished silently that he would hurry up. Then it hit me that we aren’t so different in the way we handle this situation. My dog could scarcely hold onto the contents of his bowel and yet he continued running in circles looking for the perfect spot to go. So this is it, my true confession. There are three types of people in this world: those who use public restrooms, those who use public restrooms in an emergency, and those who refuse to use public restrooms. I should mention, that by ‘public,’ I mean the restroom in Nordstrom-you know, the secret one in the back that we run to when alas, natures calls. We looked around and we might have sniffed, but in the end the decision is the same. This spot, the one we staked out, is the spot to go. Just like dogs. It’s sad.

~The Dance~

2005-10-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

Looking back, on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end,
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end,
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Written by Tony Arata

Looking back...

2005-10-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

Remember knee-highs and slouched socks???

~Theory at its best~

2005-10-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

I have a theory. It pays to know the right people and it's even better if the 'right people' are in your family. Imagine that. To no effort of my own, I was born into a family of wonder, and oh does it pay. For example, when Joleen is famous for her little art invasions, I fully intend on taking advantage. 'Yup, she's my sister. Oh, and you should know that we're really close. What's that, you want to take me to see Chicago? Yeah, I can get you an autograph.' You see my point? Knowledge is power...he who knows the right people, has the most power. hehe.

Okay, I'll take my head out of the clouds. Isn't my new look fab? Thanks Jo.

{invasion}

2005-10-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

teeheehee- Hi Aimee! I went ahead and made you a banner and changed your background color. I hope you like it! :)

big hugs,
Joleen

Interesting things...

2005-10-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

I used to lay awake at night and fantasize about life in the future. In fact, my sister and I had our lives all planned out. The weddings, jobs, kids...get ready, get set, execute. The world was at our disposal. Remember that Joleen? Mom used to say (over and over, I might add) 'no more talking, and I'm not gonna tell you again.' Of course we only stopped when we could hear her walking down the hall in our direction. The cracking ankles worked wonderfully in our favor. Anyway, it was during those times that I contemplated my perfect life. I thought for sure that by age 20, I would have arrived. Don't laugh, I am being serious. I thought I was going to be the coolest ever. I should mention that I was also going to be at least 5'5" and about ten pounds lighter. Umm. I realized today, that a reality check might be in order. I guess it's just one of those things that you know has a ‘slim-to-none’ chance of happening and yet we entertain the thoughts like we savor good food. That might be true, but my children are still going to be beautiful green-eyed babes with dirty-blond hair. Let’s see…dark brown hair plus light brown hair, equals blond? Did I mention I’m a strong believer in miracles? You can rest easy in knowing that I no longer fantasize about my twenties. Now all I want is two boobs. Don’t bother grabbing your glasses, you read correctly. Anyway, I am one of those-what do they say-endowed people, with one large inner-tube spanning the width of my chest. I guess some things never change…I didn’t make it to 5’5” and the extra fluff doesn’t seem to want to go anywhere, but dammit, my boobs are going to be awesome.

Just something interesting to think about. :o)

SPT-It's Homework

2005-10-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

No matter which way you look at it...

...it's still homework!

When you smiled for me...

2005-10-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been an emotional roller-coaster, and it's been quite the ride. I went around one more time yesterday morning and decided I wanted off. Each twist and up-side-down turn, spilled the contents of my life and I felt like I was going to be sick. For some reason, getting off didn't seem like an option and so I held on-strapped down by worry and false expectation. Stopping the ride has proven a greater thrill in the end, but challenging nonetheless. Where did all this emotion come from? I wasn't aware that I signed up for this. :o)

I know in my head, that feelings are just feelings but sometimes I am embarrassed and/or ashamed of the ones that aren't "socially acceptable." It seemed easier-no better-that I keep going, even if that meant potentially derailing. I have to say what a wonderful feeling it is to have so many hands reach out to me in a time of need. These hands taught me, in one day, what they have collectively learned throughout a lifetime.

You can't help others effectively, working from an empty tank.
It's good to learn from your mistakes, but better to learn from the mistakes of others.
When the world is crashing down, find a soft place to let it land.
It's okay to put your head down and cry...It's okay to let others see, what deep down they already know-you're not perfect.
let go and let God.
You are loved and you're not alone.

Thank you for smiling for me.

happy, happy.

2005-10-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

I ran up the door,

opened the stairs,

said my pajamas

and put on my prayers-

turned off my bed

tumbled into my light,

and all because

he kissed me good-night!

~Annonymous

Happy Anniversary Mom and Brad. Congratulations and may God enrich your lives with many more. I love you.

P.S. Thank you all for your love and support.

My Not-So-Balanced-Act

2005-10-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here and I feel the pressure of this world closing in around me.
Every thought brings a new wave of stress and so I don't think.
My chest feels tight and my breathing air, compromised.
I am out of balance.

Normally my life is divided into organized bins; each one labeled and clean.
Not now.
With one blink, the earth shakes and my walls come crashing down.
Why is this happening?
Breathe. Relax...and move on.

Smile. They can't handle your tears.
They don't want to see that you're struggling.
It's not that they don't care, but it pains them to know you hurt.

You can do this. Pick up the bins and organize.
Don't think. Don't feel. Just organize.

Be a good wife, and sister, and daughter, and friend.
Be a good Christian, and student, and nurse.
Be loving and caring, empathetic, and true!

Breathe...and just be.

SPT-Balancing act...

2005-10-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

This is me. I wake up and the race begins.

It figures.

This is the university that I attend. Today I had clinical, so I worked at the mental health facility. That's always interesting.

After class, I went grocery shopping and then checked all of my favorite blogs. This is often the highlight of my day because I don't have to think and it's my time.

There's work to be done...lots of it. Next week I have two major papers due and two midterms. Is it that time already? Yes,...I have read most if not all of these books. Too bad some of the information falls out as I put more in. :o) j/k Well, not really.

Jake took this picture. We weren't ready.

MMM...lasagna!!!

Last chore for today.

Self Portrait Tuesday-If life was measured by...

2005-09-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

What would life be like if it were measured by Tuesdays? For one, we would always be taking pictures of ourselves. Since I don't blog everyday, it sometimes feels like I am doing that very thing. So anyway...how the heck is everyone today? Here's something you should know...

"I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. For in him you have been enriched in every way-in all your speaking and in all your knowledge-because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you. Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." -I Corinthians 4-9

Until next time (quite possibly next Tuesday) take care of yourselves.

Visiting Deana

2005-09-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day that we had the opportunity to visit Deana, since she left for Maryvale. It was a wonderful visit. We brought BurgerKing with us and had a picnic outside the main facilities. She seemed very well adjusted and full of spirit and life. I can't believe how much she has grown and changed already. The visit went by really fast but I will do my best to get out there again before too much time passes. I have to say, it was a little awkward driving to a facility (not home) to see a sibling but I was happy for the opportunity. I wonder what it must be like for her to live and go to school away from home, to rely on strangers and to simultaneously be expected to adapt to the world and function 'normally' according to its social standards. I miss that kid, let me tell ya. I'm sure we all do. I pray for healing and peace for her body and mind. I pray for freedom from the turmoil of a rocky past and I pray for hope and strength for the opportunities of her future. Click here to view more pictures.

Self Portrait Tuesday-On Thursday

2005-09-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Thursday, but here I am. I actually uploaded this picture on Tuesday but I got distracted and didn't know if it would be lame to post it so late. I suppose you're never too late in this business. Anyway, life has been good...I have managed to find a balance between 'home life,' school and work, but that doesn't mean it's easy. :o) I am really looking forward to seeing the family at Sarah's chocolate party, this Saturday (and pretty excited about all the chocolate too). In fact, I made the brownies days ago...j/k. I am looking forward to seeing Deana too...it's been a long time. Anyway, I wanted to share these pictures from the other day. I took them during my drive to clinical. Don't worry I was sitting in traffic most of the time. Have a great rest of the week, everyone.

The eyes of my patient...

2005-09-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

After talking with the adolescent girls today, and gaining insight into their lives, I was inspired to write the following reflection. I am not pretending to fully understand the various emotions and experiences of these young ladies; this is just my interpretation of their situation and my way of empathizing with them.

I know by the way you look at me, what you don’t understand is I’m not that crazy.
You tell me you care, that I’m not alone, then you give your advice and send me back home.
I look hard for my age, I act mean and defiant but underneath the façade, my heart’s screams are silent.
You wonder if all your attempts are in vain, and I wonder if you understand the depth my pain.
I want to feel normal and I want to be loved, I want to be free and soar above.

I know by the way you look at me, what you don’t understand is my reality.
I didn’t choose the circumstances in which to be born, I was shaped and configured and now I am torn.
So here I am again, I’ll play your little game, I’ll behave and be quiet, yeah it’s always the same.
I look at your eyes and see pity and doubt and I know that you wonder what my life’s all about.
So now let me tell you, oh I pray that you see, I really do need you, don’t give up on me.

Self Portrait Tuesday-Eyes

2005-09-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

I looked into your eyes and I knew that you cared...so I care.
I looked at your hands and I saw that you gave...so I give.
I looked at your heart and felt your love...so I love freely.
I looked at your tears and knew they meant that life wouldn't be easy, but when you grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek, I knew It'd be worth it.

Three boobs?

2005-09-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

'Three boobs?'...you ask. Seeing as how today was the third day of the new semester, I figured I had better get started on the inevitable 'adventures' that await. This term, I have a significant amount of time between classes on Mondays and thought I would start the tradition of going to the gym. A friend of mine was going to join me, so with ten minutes to spare, I thought I would run down to the nursing building to change and use the restroom. I must have had something more important on the mind because I grabbed my apple and headed down without my gym clothes. This should have been my first clue. I really had to go so I went into the middle stall because the door was already open. Then I thought to myself, 'self, what are you going to do with the apple?' I sure as heck wasn't going to put it behind the seat or on the floor. Hmm? While all this pondering is going on, my bladder is having a hissy fit and threatening to expel its contents at any moment. That's when I knew I had better find a place for the apple or wet my pants holding it. (Sidenote: it wasn't clean or I would have held it in my mouth, with my teeth). Looking down in one last ditch effort to produce some imaginary bag that would hold my apple, I noticed not a bag, but boobs. This is when the choir sings. I knew my boobs had a higher calling (ha, no pun intended). Coincidently I chose to wear a shirt with a built in shelf-bra and what better place to put my apple at such an inopportune time? Ahh, at last some relief...that is until I realized the middle stall contained not one scrap of toilet paper.

Four 'not-so-simple' questions

2005-09-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I am two days into the new school year, and thankfully feeling great. This is a good thing, considering how much anxiety I brought home last night. I really wasn't too sure how I felt about taking psychiatric nursing but after today, I really don't think this part of my training could have come at a more perfect time. The better part of the past two years have left me hopeful but consumed nonetheless. I love what I do but there are times when if feels like it'll never get any better. In this particular clinical we leave behind the stuff and actually attempt to reach out to the heart and soul of our patients. We don't bring our clipboards or stethoscope; we don't even wear scrubs. The purpose is to listen to our patients and be with them as we discover aspects about ourselves and each other. Not everything that lies ahead, is within my level of comfort but I think this particular challenge will help me to grow personally as well as professionally.

...and so we were asked today, four 'not-so-simple' questions, that I would encourage you to think about too.

1. What is your greatest achievement, to date?
2. What is your biggest failure, to date?
3. What can others do to make you happy?
4.What would you like to change about yourself?

Self Portrait Tuesday-Ready Heart

2005-09-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

(Joleen, Me, Candice)

In celebration of Labor Day (and Joleen/Alex's new place) we spent the day painting yesterday. It was really fun getting together, one last time, before I go back to school tomorrow. I can't believe that after four months of bliss, I am dragging my feet at the months that lay ahead. I suppose the best thing to do is take it day by day. At least this time I'm standing on the hill, looking down.

By the way, thank you for the reminder to work and live diligently, leaving my complaints at the curbside and perusing the greater good in humanity. How quickly I forget about those who suffer still (within the borders of our great nation) while I talk about the price of gas.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life-in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing." -Philippians 2:14-16-

Oh, how my heart desires to live this way!

My Creative Challenge

2005-09-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

I was so excited when Vince brought in the mail today and I had received a package. I love packages!!! This particular package is from Joleen, which is not a surprise, given it's contents. It's a creative challenge "...an art challenge: make a mixed media collage using at least part of ea. of these [items]. Use some kind of paint." This really is a challenge for me but I'll keep you posted with the outcome. It should be fun. Thanks Jo.

Birthday Party

2005-09-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

We had our August/September family birthday party today. As always, it was really nice to see everyone and share pictures of summer vacations. Click here to view pictures of today's happenings.

I hate spam!!!

2005-09-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry for the hassle, but I am going to have to put in an extra step for posting comments. I can't stand spam and lately, this blog has been targeted for it. I am getting some really inappropriate responses, that I try to delete as soon as I can, but it's getting old. Thanks for your understanding.

Completely crazy...

2005-09-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

This chicken did it. I went and got a tattoo. I think this may be the single most crazy thing I have ever done...and for those who say it doesn't hurt that bad, they're lying. It wasn't too bad at first, but the lower he went the worst it hurt. It felt like someone torn apart my flesh and then set it on fire. Sign me up. Anyway, I am so happy with how it turned out. I absolutely love it. The shading will stand out more when the redness goes away. It's been quite the family affair. The hubby got two more this summer and then Brad got an old tattoo covered with a new one. Mom goes in next week. :o)

Self Portrait Tuesday-Hmmm

2005-08-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...2 accidents, Darth Vador breath, and 4 avocados later. Here I am. Do you ever feel like you're either the only sane person left in this world, or the most insane one? I drove a total of ten miles today to the bank and almost died twice. Okay, so I wasn't that close to dying but I just managed to avoid two accidents. As I was driving through the parking lot, this guy starts pulling out. I slammed on the breaks and leaned on the horn. To my horror, he kept coming and I was stuck. I laid on the horn and thank God he stopped with an inch between our vehicles. He opens his door and looks back dumbfounded. You mean I actually have to look before backing up? His music (and bass) were so loud I literally had to scream over them to be heard. I offered to get out of his way if only he would pull forward for a moment. Sigh.

With my heart pounding I walk into the bank and wait in line. All of a sudden (and I am not exaggerating) this lady walks up behind me and starts breathing on my neck. You all know how I am about my breathing space. No worries. I took one step forward. So did she. Again, with the loud and hot breathing. Darth Vador, back up!! Each step I took, was followed by one of hers. Ahhh.

After the bank incident, another guy cut me off and again just missed the front-end of my car. Another 'thank you God.' Do I have a target on my head today, or what. You'll be happy to hear that I made it to the market safely. I go to the check out with strawberries and Cool whip, and after ringing me up, the lady hands me a bag with four avocados it in. Uhhh....?

Interview with God

2005-08-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

Isn't *Interview with God* a neat link? It has been sent to me a couple of times but I still enjoy watching it. I hope it leaves you feeling inspired and renewed. Happy Sunday! Yay for new weeks and fresh opportunities.

Back to school...

2005-08-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

I spent the day with my friend Heather today. She is also a nursing major and APU. We really had a nice visit and a lot of fun. We both bought new scrubs for work and school, watched movies, and went shopping at three different malls (and of course Target).

The bad news...this is probably our last visit before we see each other back at school. I don't think we have one class together but we are going to try to go to the gym on Mondays, between classes. I can't believe my long and wonderful summer is coming to an end. Sad. Even more sad...I already have homework and I haven't gone to one class.

As if putting on the TED hose wasn't enough.

2005-08-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

Ha, I woke up early this morning to get ready for work and although I felt alert and oriented, I had major issues getting ready. As most of you know, I have to get up at 5am in order to leave by 6 because it takes me a while to pull it together that early in the morning. I tend to have everything laid out in my bathroom/walk-in closet area so that I don't disturb the husband or pup who are both still asleep for a good hour more. This morning I realized that half of my wardrobe remained in my dresser which is right by the bed. I tried, without much success, to quietly open the drawers and gather the remaining items. I woke Vince and Jake up and ran back into the bathroom before they realized what happened.

Now time for the TED hose. If you don't already know, TED hose are really tight support hose that you wear when you're going to be on your feet all day and don't wish to bring on the vericose veins prematurely. They take a good five minutes to pull on, so that the crotch isn't too low and the toes aren't constricted. I hate them.

...as if putting on the TED hose wasn't enough, I realized at the end of the day that my shirt was on backwards and my tag was the the annoying element that had been pushing against my esophagus for hours. Sigh.

Self Portrait Tuesday-Kisses

2005-08-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

I can not believe it is Tuesday again. I really don't think I would have posted a picture, had I not gone to check out joleen's artistic endeavors. Seriously, where did this week go? I spent the morning cleaning the apartment-exciting.

Okay, so I know it looks like I'm obsessed, but isn't my little guy sweet? We have all had moments in life when we could use an extra hug or kiss. Who doesn't what to be reminded of their importance to others?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28

Yum, Yum.

2005-08-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I thought I would surprise Vince and actually cook him dinner. Hehe. Anyway, we both like seafood but he especially likes shrimp and salmon so I ran to the market to buy some fresh fish. While I was there I picked up some lemon herb seasoning. Yum! I marinated our seafood, baked it, and served it with rice and broccoli. I have never cooked fish before so I was a little nervous, but it came out great so I was pretty thrilled. Vince's response..."You're turning out to be a good cook...you know, when you actually make food." I think that's a compliment. :o)